10 Things to Know About Anxious Extroverts

1. We are often torn between showing a result and hiding it, fearing that it will not be good enough. Extroverts thrive on positive feedback. Not all of us are blessed with the ability to be satisfied with ourselves without it. However, negative feedback tears us apart. This means one critical comment can make us rethink our ability to be "good enough".
2. Anxiety often manifests itself as tenacity. I want that solo. I will practice until the keys on my flute fall off so I can get it. I just know I want it. I want those grades. I will study until I have a raging headache. I want to be good enough. I'll do more and more so I can reach that standard! We often find ourselves pursuing goals as an attempt to divert ourselves from our anxious thoughts. This, however, often fails because more expectations lead to more anxieties and it snowballs downhill from there.
3. We don't always come off as extroverted. Unfortunately, the stimulation we crave fuels anxiety. We need breaks from it every now and then from the hustle and bustle the world, even more so with anxiety. Being overcharged is as detrimental as being drained. An overcharged extrovert may find themselves feeling tense and irritable and, thus, need to drain to counteract the effects of overcharge.
4. Performance is important to us. Performing arts tend to attract anxious extroverts (really, anxious people in general), but doing well at work, school, social events, and even home is performing. We don't let our anxieties show and can even forget them in the midst of our surroundings while performing. 
5. We are, more often than not, hero types. Many of us would love to be your knight in shining armor--if we weren't so concerned about doing something wrong. We love rescuing and protecting, but are reluctant to be rescued and protected ourselves. The thought of burdening anyone with our anxieties will utterly destroy us. Anxious people are known to be compassionate and, coupled with an extrovert's audacity, the combination makes the perfect (if there is such a thing) hero.
6. Like our introverted counterparts, we seldom judge. We are likely to pursue your interest alongside you, even if we may not like it ourselves. The general rule is that anxious people are quick to recognize the battles of others and acknowledge that people have different backgrounds, temperaments, learning styles, internal motivations, and distributions of intelligences. However, us extroverts are more likely to approach you about things we notice in you. 
7. Small talk is a diversion and a tool. We want that deep existential conversation, but we take steps to get there. Small talk is often the first step. Going too deep too quickly scares people and we have no intention of doing that. However, the last thing we want to be is a boring extrovert that only small talks. Help us get to the next step. Don't call it shallow or pointless when we likely built up an incredible amount of courage to work up the guts to say something.
8. The prospect of leadership is as daunting as it is inviting. A chance to instill our values onto others? Why not? Then again, power tends to corrupt. We despise failure too. Letting down the people we lead the worst of failures. However, when we lead, we do it well. We are understanding and empathetic, yet driven individuals. We do not lead people into ditches because we know what it's like to be stuck in a ditch ourselves. 
9. Extroversion does not nullify the effects of anxiety. As I mentioned before, extroverts often know how to perform for an audience. However, that doesn't mean our act can't fall apart. It tends to do so at the most inconvenient of times as well. There's nothing like trying to contain a full blown panic attack in the middle of a test or band rehearsal.  
10. We are tenacious to a fault. Us anxious extroverts share the blessing/curse of not knowing when to quit. While this comes in handy for achieving our goals, it can tear us apart if we don't know when we have exceeded our limits. This leads to burnout, frustration, anhedonia, and getting caught in what I call the good enough loop: "If I can do this, I will be good enough!" Even if we are overachievers, our anxiety is still valid and should be recognized.

If You Think Math is "Good For Me"

I know you just want me to do well in life and, as of now, school is required in order to find other opportunities. Math is a core subject in school and one needed to graduate. We learn a variety of subjects to enhance the mind in all its areas in order to prepare for real life. However, the subject of math in school causes (and/or exacerbates) a great deal of anxiety for, not only me, but many other students, the kind that utterly robbed me of my self-confidence and dreams for the future.

I only hate academic math. I do not hate all of math. To do so would be a travesty. Who could hate architecture, medicine, computers, art, and combinations of these things? Then again, who could love sitting at a desk expecting an adequate number for your numbers on a page? Who could love sweaty palms and dizziness that result just from entering the room? Who could love failed quiz after failed quiz despite honestly trying your hardest? I cannot love the nausea, fatigue, and headaches that came routinely with math. I cannot love how I could barely eat because my sympathetic nervous system was on overdrive. On one occasion, I felt like my head was vibrating.

I get that all subjects have benefits and drawbacks, but is exposing me to something that makes me physically ill on a regular basis really all that good for me? This happened to me every time I was in math class and was almost specific to this class (except for chemistry on a few occasions). I had no other option other than to tough it out, hide my symptoms, and crank out the grades. I did everything math class-related with no passion or motivation.

Taking everything else into account, I consider myself lucky to have survived sophomore year. Yes, "survived" is the correct term. I've considered suicide as, not just a viable option, but the option for me. Handful after handful of psyllium pills with each attempt (seven total, I think), never did the trick, though. They never got lodged. I was blessed/cursed with a strong esophagus. I've considered driving a knife through my ribs, but I was not prepared to suffer. Such ideas often resurfaced in math class, where I regularly felt worthless. I would have fallen on a pencil if I didn't keep forgetting to bring them.

You know very well that I am not a lazy student, at least not if you consider showing up to something that made my physical and mental health suffer greatly just to crank out some number because I need it to graduate lazy. Every quiz I've retaken and every half-completed homework assignment just reinforced that I was a failure, that I couldn't do anything correctly. This led to anhedonia, a gray cloud that turned even the music I love into mere noise. Even language brought no joy to me.

This is everything math classes did for me. I don't understand how repeated exposure to something that hurts me with no tangible redeeming benefit is good for me. If the benefit is a "test of character", tell me what trudging through a morass of numbers with no motivation says about my character. Perhaps it says that I am obedient with a good work ethic, a "good girl". Perhaps it says that I am too cowardly to follow my dreams. Either way, I can never consider math classes "good for me", especially when they almost killed me.

Song: Lost One's Weeping

Artist: Neru (Dub by JubyPhonic)

Language: English dubbed from Japanese

Song: World Domination-How To 

Artist: Neru

Language: Japanese

Song: Re-Education

Arist: Neru (cover by Kradness and Reol)

Language: Japanese