Blogger Widgets Ender-Chan's Thoughts: If You Think Math is "Good For Me"

Sunday, June 26, 2016

If You Think Math is "Good For Me"

I know you just want me to do well in life and, as of now, school is required in order to find other opportunities. Math is a core subject in school and one needed to graduate. We learn a variety of subjects to enhance the mind in all its areas in order to prepare for real life. However, the subject of math in school causes (and/or exacerbates) a great deal of anxiety for, not only me, but many other students, the kind that utterly robbed me of my self-confidence and dreams for the future.

I only hate academic math. I do not hate all of math. To do so would be a travesty. Who could hate architecture, medicine, computers, art, and combinations of these things? Then again, who could love sitting at a desk expecting an adequate number for your numbers on a page? Who could love sweaty palms and dizziness that result just from entering the room? Who could love failed quiz after failed quiz despite honestly trying your hardest? I cannot love the nausea, fatigue, and headaches that came routinely with math. I cannot love how I could barely eat because my sympathetic nervous system was on overdrive. On one occasion, I felt like my head was vibrating.

I get that all subjects have benefits and drawbacks, but is exposing me to something that makes me physically ill on a regular basis really all that good for me? This happened to me every time I was in math class and was almost specific to this class (except for chemistry on a few occasions). I had no other option other than to tough it out, hide my symptoms, and crank out the grades. I did everything math class-related with no passion or motivation.

Taking everything else into account, I consider myself lucky to have survived sophomore year. Yes, "survived" is the correct term. I've considered suicide as, not just a viable option, but the option for me. Handful after handful of psyllium pills with each attempt (seven total, I think), never did the trick, though. They never got lodged. I was blessed/cursed with a strong esophagus. I've considered driving a knife through my ribs, but I was not prepared to suffer. Such ideas often resurfaced in math class, where I regularly felt worthless. I would have fallen on a pencil if I didn't keep forgetting to bring them.

You know very well that I am not a lazy student, at least not if you consider showing up to something that made my physical and mental health suffer greatly just to crank out some number because I need it to graduate lazy. Every quiz I've retaken and every half-completed homework assignment just reinforced that I was a failure, that I couldn't do anything correctly. This led to anhedonia, a gray cloud that turned even the music I love into mere noise. Even language brought no joy to me.

This is everything math classes did for me. I don't understand how repeated exposure to something that hurts me with no tangible redeeming benefit is good for me. If the benefit is a "test of character", tell me what trudging through a morass of numbers with no motivation says about my character. Perhaps it says that I am obedient with a good work ethic, a "good girl". Perhaps it says that I am too cowardly to follow my dreams. Either way, I can never consider math classes "good for me", especially when they almost killed me.

Song: Lost One's Weeping
Artist: Neru (Dub by JubyPhonic)
Language: English dubbed from Japanese
Song: World Domination-How To 
Artist: Neru
Language: Japanese

Song: Re-Education
Arist: Neru (cover by Kradness and Reol)
Language: Japanese


  1. If you were at work you would have grounds to say "This is violating occupational health and safety" and so many STEM workers would as well.

    Reading lots of art books at the moment [Graham Cox; William Dobell; Sidney Nolan and Charles Conder]. They talk about how academic art did various things to their lives and careers.

    It is true that the academic approach to so many subjects is highly stultifying and industrial.

    1. I agree. Academics has one goal and that is to output "qualified", brainwashed people without any dreams.

  2. I am very worried about you! Have you talked to your parents about this? I have been reading up on high functioning anxiety and depression and it sounds to me like you fit into this category. Please talk to your parents if you haven't already. Hugs! I'll be praying for you.

    1. I have and they told me I need to cut back on carbs and exercise. -_-


Comment! I won't know what you have to say unless you say it.