If You Think Math is "Good For Me"

I know you just want me to do well in life and, as of now, school is required in order to find other opportunities. Math is a core subject in school and one needed to graduate. We learn a variety of subjects to enhance the mind in all its areas in order to prepare for real life. However, the subject of math in school causes (and/or exacerbates) a great deal of anxiety for, not only me, but many other students, the kind that utterly robbed me of my self-confidence and dreams for the future.

I only hate academic math. I do not hate all of math. To do so would be a travesty. Who could hate architecture, medicine, computers, art, and combinations of these things? Then again, who could love sitting at a desk expecting an adequate number for your numbers on a page? Who could love sweaty palms and dizziness that result just from entering the room? Who could love failed quiz after failed quiz despite honestly trying your hardest? I cannot love the nausea, fatigue, and headaches that came routinely with math. I cannot love how I could barely eat because my sympathetic nervous system was on overdrive. On one occasion, I felt like my head was vibrating.

I get that all subjects have benefits and drawbacks, but is exposing me to something that makes me physically ill on a regular basis really all that good for me? This happened to me every time I was in math class and was almost specific to this class (except for chemistry on a few occasions). I had no other option other than to tough it out, hide my symptoms, and crank out the grades. I did everything math class-related with no passion or motivation.

Taking everything else into account, I consider myself lucky to have survived sophomore year. Yes, "survived" is the correct term. I've considered suicide as, not just a viable option, but the option for me. Handful after handful of psyllium pills with each attempt (seven total, I think), never did the trick, though. They never got lodged. I was blessed/cursed with a strong esophagus. I've considered driving a knife through my ribs, but I was not prepared to suffer. Such ideas often resurfaced in math class, where I regularly felt worthless. I would have fallen on a pencil if I didn't keep forgetting to bring them.

You know very well that I am not a lazy student, at least not if you consider showing up to something that made my physical and mental health suffer greatly just to crank out some number because I need it to graduate lazy. Every quiz I've retaken and every half-completed homework assignment just reinforced that I was a failure, that I couldn't do anything correctly. This led to anhedonia, a gray cloud that turned even the music I love into mere noise. Even language brought no joy to me.

This is everything math classes did for me. I don't understand how repeated exposure to something that hurts me with no tangible redeeming benefit is good for me. If the benefit is a "test of character", tell me what trudging through a morass of numbers with no motivation says about my character. Perhaps it says that I am obedient with a good work ethic, a "good girl". Perhaps it says that I am too cowardly to follow my dreams. Either way, I can never consider math classes "good for me", especially when they almost killed me.

Song: Lost One's Weeping

Artist: Neru (Dub by JubyPhonic)

Language: English dubbed from Japanese

Song: World Domination-How To 

Artist: Neru

Language: Japanese

Song: Re-Education

Arist: Neru (cover by Kradness and Reol)

Language: Japanese

The Lost One's Weeping: An Activity

Well, can you read it? (Image Description: Kanji written in white chalk

 on a blackboard.)

Can you read the kanji on the blackboard? Well, can you? I don't care if you don't know Japanese or can't see the image. READ THE KANJI!!!!!!!! ISN'T IT OBVIOUS WHAT THE KANJI MEANS?!?!!!!!!!!! Go on and stare at the kanji for as long as it takes until you can understand it! I will stand right here and ridicule you until you can understand it. You're useless if you don't know how to read kanji. No one will ever love or want to be around someone who cannot read something as simple as the kanji on the blackboard. I am making a SIMPLE AND RATIONAL REQUEST for you to just READ THE KANJI!

What did you think of my request? Unreasonable? Impossible? Pointless? An easy A? Your worth is now based off of your ability to read kanji. Where do you measure on that scale? How would you feel if life was really like that?

 Song: Lost One's Weeping

Artist: Kagamine Rin

Language: Japanese 

(FYI, I only know the kanji for "child" and "heart".)