Blogger Widgets Ender-Chan's Thoughts: February 2016

Monday, February 29, 2016

4 Vocaloid Songs That Touch On Disability Issues

I've decide to compile this akidearest-style list of vocaloid songs not only due to my vocaloid obsession, but due to the fact that some things are best expressed with computer-generated voices. If you thought vocaloid was just some inane genre of music made to be cute, catchy, and not much else, please think again. Artists use vocaloid to touch on a myriad of very serious and very real issues. Not all of these songs are explicitly about disability, but do touch on heavily related themes. Also note that these songs do cover some sensitive issues and can possibly be triggering (specifically for suicide, abuse, and death of a loved one), so listen at your own risk.

This video contains flashing images throughout.
1. Rolling Girl-Hatsune Miku

Of all the media genres I have seen, vocaloid does the best job of portraying mental illness accurately. Rolling Girl portrays a clear image of anxiety, depression, and psychotic disorders in general. In this video, Hatsune Miku is both bullied by her peers and the voices in her head. At the end of the video, she lies in the arms of a character assumed to be her depression personified. (Thank you, akidearest.) Ultimately, this song is about a girl that was bullied into suicide due to her insistence to roll one more time, one more time. She never sought help for her mental illness(es) either, instead stubbornly insisting that she was fine, which makes this an all the more tragic story about something that happens nearly every day.

2. Lost One's Weeping-Kagamine Rin

Though this song describes how school stresses students in general, the stressors of academic life are even more prevalent with disabled students. In this video, a young (most likely) Japanese schoolboy excels at math and science, but feels useless because he is not good with languages. In this song, the boy feels apathetic and frustrated with the way his teachers treat him. It is evident that the boy displays a high amount of emotional intelligence ("Can you read that kid's imagination?") which is not valued in schools. Thus, the boy feels out of place and like he is less intelligent than his peers due to the dispersion of his intelligences. The boy's dreams were squashed under the foot of his teachers all because he couldn't read the kanji on the blackboard, but he could read another kid's imagination.

 3. Seasonal Feathers-Kagamine Rin and Len

This song will resonate with many of you. Seasonal Feathers is an interpretation of the Crane Maiden story. In the song, a man rescues a crane, who visits him in human form. The two fall in love and get married. However, the husband (Len) falls ill while the wife (Rin) weaves clothes out of her own feathers to keep her spouse comfortable and warm. In the end, they both die. This song covers the issue of both caregiver overexertion and not being able to obtain necessary medications, both of which are detrimental to the health of both parties. Aside from the song being plain tragic no matter what your background is, it carries a message about how caregivers can overwork themselves, even to the point of death, without the proper assistance.

4. You are a Useless Child-Kikuo

No, I didn't mean you. That's just the title of the song. Throughout the song, the mother insults the child, calling the child useless at speaking, exercise, and academics and even telling the child to fester in their own bodily fluids. She makes the child repeat the things she said in what translates into English as "a duet with a lousy feeling", but ends up telling the child that she will protect them forever. Eventually, the child becomes fed-up with the mistreatment and commits suicide. The mother later regrets saying such things about the child saying, essentially, that she was the useless one after all. This song is a reminder to parent advocates to be careful about what they say about their children, especially on the Internet and to choose their organizations wisely. "Autism Speaks" was the first thing that popped into my head when I heard this song. If you don't know why, I suggest you look to other autistic people for clues.

Discussion Questions
  • Are there any other songs that should be on this list? Why?
  • Do you agree with me, disagree with me, or have any other theories or speculations on the songs listed?

Saturday, February 27, 2016

LaHaye Blends as English Dubs of Vocaloid Songs

Content Warning: A lot of these songs deal with sensitive and controversial themes. Listen at your own risk.

Phlegmatic Blends:

PhlegMel: Echo (Dubbed by JubyPhonic) 

PhlegSan: Rolling Girl (Dubbed by JubyPhonic)
Warning: Flashing Images Throughout, especially 2:50-3:01
PhlegChlor: Clean Freak

Sanguine Blends:

SanChlor: Childish War (Dubbed by rachie and JubyPhonic)

SanPhleg: Drop Pop Candy (Dubbed by Kuraiinu and JubyPhonic)

SanMel: Witch Hunt (Dubbed by JubyPhonic)

Melancholic Blends:

MelPhleg: Seasonal Feathers (Dubbed by Lyyratic and SirHamnet)

MelChlor: Servant of Evil (Dubbed by SirHamnet)

MelSan: Lost One's Weeping (Dubbed by JubyPhonic)

Choleric Blends:

ChlorSan: World Domination-How To (Dubbed by SirHamnet)

ChlorMel: Outer Science(Dubbed by JubyPhonic)
ChlorPhleg: Remote Control (Dubbed by JubyPhonic)
Do you think these songs accurately reflect each blend? What is your favorite song on the list? Are there other English dubs of vocaloid songs that can reflect the blends?

Friday, February 26, 2016

Does This Look Familiar?

Animation Description: An energetic dog dragging a reluctant horse with a teal rope on an open grass area
I felt like this GIF describes the ESTP/INFJ dynamic. Essentially, what happens is the following:
  • ESTP: I want to dance or have an adventure something! Come on, INFJ!
  • INFJ: Seriously, ESTP! Why not rest and just BE?
  • INFJ: If you say so...

Nothing Good to Do, Just Bored to Death

Song: World's End Dancehall
Artist: wowoka (Vocals by SirHamnet and JubyPhonic)
Language: English (Original is in Japanese)
(The song reminds me of ESTPs' interactions with INFJs. INFJs want to think deeply, but ESTPs just want to take your hand and steal you away.)

Me On the Internet:
Se: Hey, I found something cool!

Ti: Let's find out more!

Fe: Who else would benefit from this knowledge?

Ni: How in the world did I get here?

I am interested in these lolita pieces:
This cute casual OP
This sublime beauty
This red and gold awesomeness
Of course, I'll need a piano purse to go with it.
Or this one

Monday, February 22, 2016

The ESTP Desk Flip

Image Description: An angry stick figure sitting in a chair flipping a desk. The caption reads "The Guide to the ESTP desk flip" and there is a watermark in the bottom right corner.
You've probably heard of the INFJ door slam or even the ENTP lamp toss (which is more of a passive-aggressive rant on the whole "INFJs are special and rare" thing written by an ENTP), but have you heard of the ESTP desk flip? Each MBTI has its own trademark gesture that indicates that the person has reached their breaking point, but the INFJ door slam is the most well-known. These posts are mostly generated by intuitives, so I'd thought I'd add my sensor perspective to the mix.

After figuring out that I have inferior Ni, I figured out that I am not ENTP, but ESTP. I'm not a Rational, but an Artisan. I am a Promoter rather than an Inventor. When an ESTP reaches their breaking point, they break out into a focused, yet incoherent rage known as the "ESTP desk flip"  which does not necessarily involve said ESTP flipping a desk, but the noise level definitely comes close.

The Buildup
The camel's back will not break under a single straw. Ordinarily, ESTPs are generally happy people. We like getting involved in a variety of things and engaging in some healthy competition. ESTPs are the ones who will convince you to go an a roller coaster with them because they're terrified...of being bored. While we can appear shallow and careless, we aren't. Some things just never come up on our radar. ESTPs will find any excuse to promote and create an awesome moment. They are generally fiercely independent and do not like to be restrained. However, ESTPs are adaptable and like to please others. They can adapt to a systematic environment, but not without quite an emotional toll.

When it Occurs
It is draining for the ESTP to work within a system. This causes the ESTP to revert to inferior Ni. In inferior Ni, the ESTP forgets the moment, overthinks, and imagines worst case scenarios. In an effort to get out of this state, the ESTP overindulges pleasures like food, drink, social media, and blogging, which leads to more long-term stress. Eventually, the piling on of stress on the ESTP, a very stress-tolerant type, creates a flash flood of stress when one more stressor is added. In this onslaught of falling stress, the ESTP loses their composure and responds with an intense diatribe of short duration.The ESTP is usually fine after their outburst, but others are not. ESTPs have hairtrigger tempers when they are stressed and generally stubbornly push through things without asking for help. (ALL part of my ESTPerspective). ESTPs have "Ti explosions" when this occurs. They will be pure personal logic during the desk flip and have no consideration for others during the process. Do not take anything the ESTP says during the desk flip personally. You are reasoning with pure anger at this point.

How to Prevent It
  • As an ESTP
    • If you feel like you're on the verge of a desk flip, eat a healthy snack, take a deep breath, count to 10, and, if possible, remove yourself from the stressor by doing something else. If it is not possible, reassess the stressor and work through it when you are calmer. Do not look at other people when you work. Think "I will do something fun when this is done" and that should give you the drive to get something done without desk flipping.
  • As someone who knows an ESTP
    • Offer diversions to the distressed ESTP. Let them go for a walk, listen to music, or do whatever it takes to get the ESTP to calm down. Scenery changes do wonders for ESTPs under stress. If you have an errand to run that you don't want to do, get the ESTP to do it if possible. ESTPs like doing;anything that includes completing little tasks that involve getting up and going somewhere is right up the ESTP's alley. Surprise the ESTP and praise them for their talents and achievements. Compliments are the prime motivator of ESTPs.
Post-Desk Flip
  • For ESTPs
    • Post desk-flip, you may feel tired or feel like crying. Don't try to set things straight right away, but do so when you are back to your rational mind. Not everyone can get over your angry outbursts as quickly as you can, so make sure to apologize and clean up your mess when you set things straight. 
  • For People Who Know ESTPs 
    • Know that when ESTPs rage, curse, and scream in your face, that is just the way ESTPs are. ESTPs externalize their emotions. Give the ESTP some space to breathe and provide a diversion such as a change of scenery. Empathize with the ESTP and give them the courage to keep going on and give the ESTP s shoulder to cry on when necessary.

This is NOT Temperament!

(This is a full-on diatribe directed at a certain someone who has officially infuriated me. In this post, I abandon my usual composure and rant about a certain popular Asperger's blogger's "temperament system." You have been warned.)

I'm linking to the original using a rel=nofollow attribute because this information is blatantly erroneous and potentially harmful. (Date of Access: February 21, 2016) Quoted text from the article is in blue.

There are nine different types of temperaments in Aspergers kids:

  • Distractible temperament predisposes the youngster to pay more attention to his or her surroundings than to the teacher.
  • High intensity level temperament moves the youngster to yell, scream, or hit hard when feeling threatened.
  • Hyperactive temperament predisposes the youngster to respond with fine- or gross-motor activity.
  • Initial withdrawal temperament is found when kids get clingy, shy, and unresponsive in new situations and around unfamiliar people.
  • Irregular temperament moves the youngster to escape the source of stress by needing to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom at irregular times when he or she does not really have the need.
  • Low sensory threshold temperament is evident when the youngster complains about tight clothes and people staring and refuses to be touched by others.
  • Negative mood temperament is found when kids appear lethargic, sad, and lack the energy to perform a task.
  • Negative persistent temperament is seen when the youngster seems stuck in his or her whining and complaining.
  • Poor adaptability temperament shows itself when kids resist, shut down, and become passive-aggressive when asked to change activities.

I can see how you tried to understand Asperger's and temperament. However, most of these "temperaments" are descriptions of behavioral problems and not actual temperaments. Temperaments include strengths as well as weaknesses, assets as well as inhibitors. Certain temperament types do lead to certain behavioral problems, but temperaments in and of themselves are not behavioral problems.  Neither are behavioral problems temperaments.

I don't know how you came to nine specific "temperaments". I know that the enneagram has nine types within its system, but this hodgepodge of behavioral problems does not even begin to resemble enneagram types, even with a ton of stretching and twisting of these descriptions. This leads me to think that you did not study what the enneagram is or any system, for that matter. The rest of the post also gives off this strong "Asperger's is extreme Si" vibe. Why bother creating a "temperament system" when you don't even bother with the fact that people exist in a variety of temperaments?

The descriptions themselves look like they have been Google translated from another language. If someone originally wrote these in another language, you should have the basic human decency to credit the person who wrote it in the original language and mention that the text was translated from another language. I saw no such credit to any original author. If this is the case, you just stole someone's intellectual property without at least crediting them. If that is not the case, then this is just plain incoherence. This is a prominent website, so I expected better quality work than this. Please have the decency to name your work what it actually is. "Nine Types of Asperger's-Related Traits and Behaviors" would NOT have caused me ANY issue.

You have a degree. Please AT THE BARE MINIMUM take the time to look up information about other temperament theories before coming up with your own. The "low sensory threshold" thing is not a temperament. It is a neurological issue and, quite frankly, the only item on your list that is not a behavioral problem or merely a temperamental trait. People of a variety of temperaments can be intense, but for different reasons. For someone with an M.A. that you so publicly display, I am flabbergasted at the blatant misuse of the word "temperament" throughout your constructed system (and I am NOT at ALL selective about temperament systems). I know that everyone makes mistakes, but this is just a display of willful ignorance.

It is frustrating for me to maintain what little composure I have after reading this. A bit of research (as in: reading ONE article at the top of a web search) on the thing you were reporting on (and I use the terms "research" and "reporting" VERY loosely) would have prevented this atrocity of a "temperament theory" from coming into fruition. This is even worse than Keirsey's ADD hoax (and THAT was terrible).

Not only have you created this atrocity of a temperament theory, but you misuse the word meltdown as well. Meltdowns are not manipulative behaviors like tantrums, yet you cited "to get attention, get someone to listen, protest not getting their way, get out of doing something they do not want to do, punish a teacher for going away, for power, for revenge, fear of abandonment, etc" as meltdown causes. This shows that you do not know what meltdowns are and have, again, failed to do the simplest of research, which can simply to ask autistic people and those who know them for their input on meltdowns. The difference between a meltdown and a tantrum is basic common sense for anyone who knows remotely about autism. For being an "expert", you wrote one of the most willfully ignorant articles I have seen on the Internet. What I have drawn from your article is the following: (basically TL;DR)

  • Condescending attitude towards aspie students (continual use of "youngster")
  • Lack of knowledge of temperament
  • Not knowing what meltdowns are
  • Overall lack of research
  • Possible intellectual property theft 
  • Asperger's temperamental stereotypes despite the fact that you attempted to make a temperament theory
  • Overall, the only information I derived from this article was that you do not know what temperament theory is. I received no helpful information, just sheer lack of research. In conclusion, if you want people to use your resources, do your research! Again, I use the term "research" VERY loosely, so your research can be as simple as a quick glance at any kind of temperament website like Fighunter or 16personalities or actually getting to know the people you are reporting on. The education methods you mentioned also do not work for every single student. Not everyone operates well in the same strictly-controlled, sensory-sterile environment, something you should know very well as someone reporting on education. However, since you did not bother to take into account the aspies that need an open-ended approach, such as myself, that just speaks to your lack of professionalism in this article. Not everyone will trust you just because you have a degree that you likely display for the sake of looking credible. Some people actually read your work, so write accordingly!

    A Repulsed Choleric-Sanguine ESTP Aspie

    Additional Note: I don't know about the overall credibility of the website itself, but this article is definitely on the lower end of things. Correct me if I am wrong, but this site appears to be intended to appeal to desperate parents stuck in cognitive function loops. Other material on the site might be okay, but don't use this site as your predominant source for Asperger's information.

    The HTML went haywire, which explains the weirdly-colored text.

    Friday, February 19, 2016

    How to Spot Myers-Briggs Types in Disability/Special Needs Linkups

    This is according to the Keirsey Temperament Sorter.
    Disclaimer: I do not promote the ADD hoax in any way. Keirsey made a convenient MBTI sorter which I like to use. This is also predominantly humorous and, thus, to be taken with a grain of salt.

     The Guardians (_S_J)
    • ISFJ (Protector): Will post with haunting regularity. ISFJs adhere to rules written and unwritten to a T and are loyal to their friends. The ISFJ makes everyone feel welcome and expresses their views using their experiences with societal norms.
    • ESTJ (Supervisor): Posts occasionally about their involvement in various organizations and is not likely to complain about the school system. When the ESTJ complains, they are taken seriously. 
    • ISTJ (Inspector): Posts about how schools are not likely to comply with the rules whether they are real or perceived. ISTJs enforce and comply with policies and will blog about the rules. The ISTJ ascribes to one organization that they are very loyal to.
    • ESFJ (Provider): Posts about their family as well as promoting resources they like and writing comforting posts. Going to the ESFJ's blog is like getting a warm hug. ESFJs are generally very popular as bloggers.
     The Artisans (_S_P)
    • ISFP (Composer): Likes posting aesthetics, food, and travel as well as disability. The ISFP probably likes traveling everywhere despite access issues. ISFPs generally have aesthetically-pleasing blogs and are nice, creative people.
    • ESTP (Promoter): Will be that blogger who posts fives links at a time to about seven different linkups. The ESTP is very daring and outspoken. ESTPs will frequently link to things they like and liken abstract concepts to real-world things.
    • ISTP (Crafter): The ISTP will post about practical issues more than their feelings and abstract ideas. ISTPs are the ones who review assistive technology and modify it to suit their needs; they are the ultimate realists: doing what needs to be done rather than thinking and worrying.
    • ESFP (Performer): The ESFP posts sporadically and is fun incarnate. Their lighthearted, in-the-moment approach to disability is often welcome in their often wide circles. ESFPs will come up with all sorts of hacks to make their kind of fun accessible.
    The Idealists (_NF_)
    • INFP (Healer): INFPs are crusaders of their values. Often, INFPs are passionate about their cause, so they dedicated a blog to it. INFPs rarely share in or host linkups as they are strongly individualistic. The INFP has a strong sense of what they like and dislike, which is apparent in what they write about. 
    • ENFJ (Teacher): The ENFJ cares strongly about others and likes to influence others on a large scales. ENFJs write with the intent to influence others; they prefer to try to diffuse conflict and mediate instead of starting flame wars. ENFJs are likely to both host and share in linkups.
    • INFJ (Counselor): Is a paradoxical mixture of passionate and even-keeled. INFJs rarely share; rather, they prefer to have others stumble upon what they write by chance. The INFJ writes about their images and perceptions of disability as well as other ponderings.
    • ENFP (Champions): Will campaign for their values with much ardor. ENFPs typically come off as friendly and demonstrative. ENFPs like to see the best in others and tend to write about their ideals of how the world should be.
     The Rationals (_NT_)
    • INTP (Architect): Usually writes about ideas on how to better execute practical matters. INTPs are pragmatic visionaries and will document their overall thoughts rather than specific details. If INTPs document specific details, it will be part of a logical, principled vision.
    • ENTJ (Fieldmarshal): ENTJs have a commanding presence that is apparent, even in their writing. Most likely, ENTJ bloggers are trying to use blogging to meet some kind of goal they have in mind. ENTJs like to host linkups, but frequently do not join them. 
    • INTJ (Mastermind): INTJs are, more so than the other Rationals, inclined to write about science and disability rather than emotions, which gives them a heartless veneer. However, past this mask, INTJs are as caring as people can get. 
    • ENTP (Inventor): More relational than the other Rationals. ENTPs will write about a wide variety of ideas and visions. ENTPs are usually seen turning ideas on their heads in their writing, even their own ideas. 

    Wednesday, February 17, 2016

    My Kawaii Revolution: On Strength

    Question: Which one person, out of this list, would I consider my role model?
    A. Temple Grandin
    B. Misako Aoki
    C. Edward Abbey
    D. Laura Shigihara

    The correct answer is B-Misako Aoki. Misako Aoki is a nurse and a lolita fashion model. She is presumably able-bodied and neurotypical. (Misako does not discuss about her disability status with the Internet.) As far as temperament, I would say she is an ESFJ because she practically radiates Fe and Si.  

    I bet most of you were taken aback by my choice. Misako Aoki does not fit the typical disability role model mold, but she has heavily influenced not only the way I advocate, but the way I choose my coping methods. Misako unabashedly embraces her style and expresses it wholeheartedly. Others may find her weird or frivolous because she dresses in lolita fashion, but there is nothing frivolous about loving yourself. In a society where conformity is valued, Misako, who technically fits the definition of "normal", chooses to defy it with frills. She had an "advantage" in society and discarded it in favor of belonging to her own community. Can we, who are forced out of the norm by birth, not find our strength in the same?

    For those of you who don't know, lolita is a Japanese street fashion that draws inspiration from the Victorian and Rococo periods as well as the Japanese kawaii "cute" esthetic. Lolita fashion emphasizes modesty, innocence, youthfulness, quality, and taste; the fashion emerged as a rebellion against over-sexualization of women in fashion. It has NOTHING to do with the Western definition of lolita, so do NOT trust your computer's built-in dictionary for this one. The fashion's main focus is dressing for one's self rather than for others. Lolita does more, however, than cover the body. It shows the mind. 

    Misako Aoki influenced my approach to being autistic more than other autistic people. She is a genuinely kind, gracious, and humorous person and that, in itself, is worth emulating. I am proud to say that Misako Aoki is my role model. Never trenchant in her ways, Misako asserts and expresses herself by wearing frilly dresses and treating other people kindly. She does not need to conform to conventional images of strength in order to be strong. I surround myself with cute and elegant images simply because they make me happy. Misako Aoki taught me to embrace this part of myself.

    Being cute does not mean that I am not powerless. Keep in mind that kawaii is an aesthetic, not an existence, although some people do adopt a kawaii lifestyle. I do not need to act or dress a certain way in order to indicate that I am a strong person. The kawaii esthetic makes me feel good about myself and who I am and many others would agree. If that is not a valid enough reason for you to "get" the kawaii esthetic, I don't know what will be.

    If you find this esthetic stifling, then don't use it. However, I personally find it very empowering. The nature of lolita and the kawaii esthetic in general is best described as "intensely gentle." In small doses, kawaii elements are non-confrontational. In large amounts, however, they are very conspicuous and inspire admiration, envy, and/or hatred depending on your audience. The kawaii esthetic is not for everyone and I can respect that. However, it is for me. It suits me. If I need to act and dress a certain way to be strong, then that's not true strength at all.

    Ableism and Cognitive Functions At a Glance

    Ableism is a means of perceiving the world and understanding others (in a totally misguided and ignorant way), so what better way is there to understand ableism than through Jung's cognitive functions?

    Keep in mind that cognitive functions are about how and why you do something, not what you do. Anyone can be ableist no matter what their dominant, auxiliary, tertiary, etc. functions are. This post focuses on dominant and maybe auxiliary functions unlike the martyr mommy post (You know the one.) that I wrote which covers primary functions in a specific pattern.

    No cognitive function is more ableist than another. Keep in mind that I understand the cognitive functions through the interface of my own functions. 

    The Sensing Functions
    •  Extroverted sensing (Se) is the use of one's sensory perception to gather information that relates to one's present experiences. The ableist Se user acts according to their impulses and creates awkward moments. They focus on the sensory details that are different from what they are used to and, thus, experience fear. Se users tend to ask unwelcome personal questions to understand what they perceive. 
    • Introverted sensing (Si) is the use of one's sensory perception to gather information in order to relate it to past experiences. The ableist Si user stores past experiences when others and feels threatened when presented with someone who deviates from their constructed image of what is safe. Si users tend to stare or make tactless comments while constructing misguided images of disability based on their past experiences.
    The Intuitive Functions
    • Extroverted intuition (Ne) is the use of one's intuition to form ideas using immediate contexts together. The ableist Ne user is quick to make assumptions about what someone else can do based on previous notions of their definition of ability. They tend to focus on the idea of disability itself rather than the person and build their perceptions from there.
    • Introverted intuition (Ni) is the use of intuition in order to form ideas using past experiences to form ideas of what is to come. The ableist Ni user will make purely negative extrapolations when presented with disability. Ni users tend to focus on things that will go wrong and feel flustered when they have to compromise on their vision to make it accessible.
    The Thinking Functions:
    • Extroverted thinking (Te) is the use of one's current situation in order to organize their surroundings. The ableist Te user will deem disabled people "inefficient" and, thus, a waste of their time. Te users also have the tendency to believe that labels are the sole determiner of a person's identity. 
    • Introverted thinking (Ti) is the use of principled logic to synthesize theories and build original ideas. The ableist Ti user would think of the theory of disability and think of it as only an impedance to someone's life. Ti users condense and reduce information to its perceived essence, so an ableist Ti user would form misguided perceptions from there.
    The Feeling Functions
    • Extroverted feeling (Fe) is the function one uses to meet the needs of others. Ableist Fe users over-help without any regard for the person's agency and pass it off as a good deed. Usually, ableist Fe users are well-intentioned, but misguided people. Fe users can also be annoyingly patronizing.
    • Introverted feeling (Fi) is the sense of what one likes and dislikes as well as personal values. The ableist Fi user will reject the disabled (and/or certain types of disability) as a collective entity that they do not like. Ableist Fi users tend to misread criticism from disabled people as attacks, especially if the criticism is against something that gives them comfort.
    What have you to say about ableism and cognitive functions? Do you recognize these processes in others? 

    Monday, February 15, 2016

    On Learned Behaviors and Passing for Normal

    Yes, I am training myself out of one of my autistic traits.
    No, I am not trying to "pass for normal".

    I am teaching myself how to sing. My main issue is the strength and timbre of my pitches because my speaking voice is naturally very soft and flat. By teaching myself to speak more loudly and melodically, I will strengthen my vocal cords and prime them for singing. As seen in my cover of "Want You Gone", I made the mistake of singing from my throat rather than from my diaphragm. My pitches were insipid at best and sometimes didn't sound like singing at all, more like talking.

    I am the type of person that would go about most means (as in: no illegal activity or hurting others) to achieve my desired end. For example, I cannot flutter tongue using either the rolling Rs method or the gargling method. This inability has no impedance to my musical growth at the high school level. However, at the professional or (maybe) college level, it would pose a great hindrance to my musical growth if I were unable to flutter tongue. At least, I would find another way to flutter tongue and at most, I would get plastic surgery that would physiologically enable me to do these things.

    I don't believe in changing one's self to pass for normal. However, I do believe in the setting and pursuit of personal goals. Certain goals require certain amendments to yourself and I am totally fine with changing my prosody in order to be able to sing more strongly. Instead of suppressing myself, I'm enhancing myself. I am acquiring a new skill. Instead of just being, I am doing. I am actively making an effort to hone a talent that I wish to develop.

    Funny High Sensation Seeker Stuff

    • I ordered four flavors of frozen yogurt (in my case: mango, watermelon, red velvet cake, and pink lemonade) at once and topped it with chocolate covered sunflower seeds, waffle cone, mango pearls, strawberry pearls, gummy worms, and brownies. 
    • It's not that I am always too how, but I love blasting the AC on my face because I like the feeling of cold air beating against my skin. For maximum effect, I shift from hot air to cold.
    • For the same reason, I like swimming in cold water. 
    • My ideal single serving lemonade formula is:
      • Juice from two lemons
      • 1 tbsp sugar
      • Enough water to fill an 8 ounce glass
    • I like adding powdered drink mixes to carbonated water and eating them straight up. Crystal Light tastes amazing when eaten as powder. 
    High Sensation Seeker Score: 18/20
    Humoral Temperament: Choleric-Sanguine
    Socionics: Gamma ILE (ENTp)  
    Take the test here.

    Saturday, February 13, 2016

    How to Be Fluteiful

    I started a new blog called How to Be Fluteiful. It is a beauty and fashion blog about how-tos for musicians on looking good for concerts, festivals, and other occasions.

    Wednesday, February 10, 2016

    Advocacy Theme Song

    Song: World Domination-How To
    Artist: Kagamine Rin and Kagamine Len
    Language: Japanese

    This is my advocacy theme song. I'll leave this up to audience interpretation. What is your advocacy theme song?

    Random, Incoherent Hodgepodge

    Health Warning: The video contains a host of seizure triggers.

    Trigger Warning: Rolling Girl contains suicide themes. 

    Depression killed my concentration.

    This song accurately describes my experiences with anxiety-induced depression. One more time, I roll for another day down the same slope knowing that it hurts me, but it's the only way I can block out the pain that lingers in the corners of my mind. I keep uttering platitudes in response to how I feel. "I'm just fine" with a smile on my face is my primary defense. In theory, I will "baseline" and not be able to feel it anymore. I'm getting help, but, today, I'll keep rolling for another day.
    Song Rolling Girl
    Artist: Hatsune Miku
    Language: Japanese 

    Extroverted thinking (Te) seems to be an unwelcome function in the online disability community. Saying things like "See past labels" and "I am more than a spreadsheet" makes Te doms (EN/STJs) in the online disability community feel alienated and out of place. Label and data aversion takes away the Te dom's primary way of understanding the world, which is an example of temperamental discrimination. 

    • I feel like nothing matters anymore, not even school. I don't even feel like arranging music or playing my flute.
    • I'm vacillating between ENTP and ENTJ again.
    • I felt like using Verdana and random colors here.
    • The above text is not made to be readable.
    • I'm still in Verdana.
    • How did I get to this thought?
    • Really?
    • I get *very* annoyed when people misuse the term "neurodiversity". 
    • As for vocal range, I think I'm an alto.
    • I can sing, just not well. 
    • Now, I'm typing in bright pink.
    • The end.    

    Monday, February 8, 2016

    Survey Two Ways

    I feel like gathering data, so here you go.

    Use the code OLD SPORT in order to access the survey about Writing About Temperament 
    Use the code BON TRAVAIL in order to access the survey about Trait Biases.

    Let me know what you thought of the surveys in the comment section!

    Saturday, February 6, 2016

    Lost One Weeping English Parody (Verbal Learner Version)

    Trigger Warning: Suicide, self-injury, depression, and anhedonia

    A cutting wound a knife made from my apathy 
    Penetrates my heart and it's not hurting me.
    The emotions that I have
    Are weak and burning low
    And from them a weapon
    I have made.
    It's not a game.

    My adeptness at languages I so prize,
    But when it comes to math, I feel anxiety rise.
    I'm done with reaching out
    To something I can't touch,
    So I'll uproot the daisies.
    Is that really too much?

    This essay's
    About me,
    A white space,
    A blank sheet.
    At peace with
    The life I will now live.

    But I think
    Why are we
    Just sometimes,
    No, always
    Crying out how we're sad
    And how we're lonely?

    Can you please define what crucible is for me?
    Well, this school is one. Look around and you'll see.
    Can you even restore his yellowed heart back to red?
    Hey, who could it be?
    Will someone tell me?

    Can you solve the quadratic formula yet?
    Can you even see that there's a noose on his neck?
    Is it really right to just be bound to this way?
    'Cause I don't care now
    That and I don't care how.

    Every day like chapters
    In a book are confined
    To the hypnotic rhythm
    Of what we call time.
    Behind the guards and the guise I put up
    I hide
    Knowing I have long died

    From problems
    Of resolve.
    Just can't solve
    This homework.
    At peace with
    The life I will now live.

    'Till I think and he speaks,
    The green light that haunts us
    Just screams "Let me please leave",
    Screaming "Someone kill me".

    Can you please define what crucible is for me?
    Well, this school is one. Look around and you'll see.
    Can you even restore his yellowed heart back to red?
    Hey, who could it be?
    Will someone tell me?

    Can you solve the quadratic formula yet?
    Can you even see that there's a noose on his neck?
    Is it really right to just be bound to this way?
    'Cause I don't care now
    That and I don't care how.

    Can you write an essay on what the dock's green light means?
    Well, the light's in my eyes and it is making me scream!
    Who was the one who let my thoughts just perish unknown?
    Who it is I know.
    Who it is I know!

    Why don't you read a book so you can grow up and see?
    But what the heck is growing up if I just sit here and weep?
    Can anyone who's out there please explain things for me?
    'Cause I don't care now
    That and I don't care how.

    The original is in Japanese.

    The Original: (Sensory Warning: Lots of flashing and shaking effects in the video)
    Song: Lost One's Weeping
    Artist: Kagamine Rin
    Language: Japanese

    Thursday, February 4, 2016

    I Don't Know, That Never Came Up On My Radar: On Being an Anti-Empath

    This is purely empirical and not based on any kind of science.
    If you are crying, I will walk away and leave you to your own devices. It's not that I don't care, but it's more that I simply don't know what to do. If you clearly asked me to comfort you, I would. However, I need that explicit instruction. It is not that I choose to block out the emotions of others, but that they just simply don't come up on my radar. If you are an empath or regular person trying to understand anti-empaths, please understand that we're not all horrible people. Some of us really do try to understand emotions, but just don't know.

    I have had people close to me die and I didn't grieve. It's not that I didn't miss those people, but I just never felt a need to do so. Lacking these experiences is very alienating as it tends make people judge me as "heartless" and "insensitive" (the latter of which is partially true). I tend to leave people to their own devices out of the logical understanding that they understand their situation better than I do, so, by leaving someone to their own devices when I cannot help in a practical manner, I am actually trying to help in my own anti-empath way. The only way I can truly feel an emotional connection is through shared experience.

    Anti-Empath Inventory Checklist
    • You have remained completely unaffected by a "touching" story without having any objections to the content itself. 
    • You feel that you "just can't get" emotions.
    • You rarely cry for reasons other than physical pain. 
    • You tend to walk away from grieving people and/or people in a state of distress you do not know the source of.
    • You don't get the compulsions to help that others do.
    • The only/strongly predominant way you can "get" emotions is through a common experience.
    • You rarely donate to charity even though you have sufficient resources to support yourself.
    • Others see you as even-keeled.
    • You tend to lean towards pragmatic means to support others rather than emotional means.
    • You like to leave people to their own devices.
    • You predominantly understand emotions through a rational interface. 
    • Even when you consciously seek emotional sensation, it is nearly impossible for you to achieve.
    If 8 of these questions are true for you, you might to be an anti-empath.

    Tuesday, February 2, 2016

    Now, I Only Want You Gone

    Song: "Want You Gone" from Portal 2
    Artist: Jonathan Coulton (lyricist) and Ellen McLain (singer) (Cover by me)
    Language: English

    Well, here we are again. It's always such a pleasure. The rift between autistic people and non-autistic parents of autistic children persists, leading to confusion. Personally, I am firmly with the autistic people and trying to explain the issue using temperament theory. The topics of cures, treatment methods, and what stimming means are especially controversial. It seems that both parties have similar temperaments, but different base values, which leads to some epic clashing.

     Under the circumstances, I've been shockingly nice. Though I will, to an extent, step back and let you do your thing, I still abhor Autism Speaks, the use of aversives, and "Quiet hands" the way others abhor racism. I could bash parents into the ground, but I know that is not the way I would want my ways to be perceived. After all, since I am the one tired of invalidation, why should I do the same?

    You want your freedom? Take it. That's what I'm counting on. Keep in mind that your little Caroline is a human and that she has her own MO, but I do not know her while you do. Not everyone is going to agree with what you do with Caroline, but most people have good intentions for her. Most people do not hate people, but hate actions. 

    Goodbye, my only friend. Oh, did you think I meant you? That would be funny if it weren't so sad. Being taught to play "the right way" with "the right things" defeats the purpose of play, which is to derive pleasure and have fun. It teaches that people will only love you for a learned image, not for who you really are. A friend of mine recalled an experience of an autistic girl who got her hair pulled by her (presumably neurotypical) peers claiming they were "styling" it. The girl excused their behavior by saying "They're my friends" because that is what her "therapist" told her.

    If you don't want to listen to autistic people and, thus, by rejecting empirical evidence, you're someone else's problem. That's what I'm counting on. I'll let you get right to it because now, I only want you gone. You've got your short, sad life left. If you support Autism Speaks or promote the robbing of human rights from autistic people, I want you gone. Go make some new disaster because, now, I only want you gone.

    Now, I only want you gone.