Twice-Exceptional Karasuma

If I had to choose a mascot for twice-exceptionality, it would be Karasuma from Terminating the World by Neru (Oshiire-P). Karasuma expresses feelings of worthlessness, specifically “not amounting to anything” in the song and feels that he needs to “terminate the world.” Karasuma's self-critical remarks and observations of others remind me of how twice-exceptional kids tend to feel about themselves and the world.

The phrase “sainou wa bonjin ikada” (さいのう わ ぼんじん いかだ )

 translates to both “I’m less than talented than average” (MelSubs) and “Talent is worse than mediocrity” (AmeSubs). (I do not understand Japanese, so I cannot explain why the translation came out to mean two different things. Explain in a comment if you know Japanese.) The two translations represent the two conflicting, almost contradictory ideas of a (usually neurologically-based) disability and giftedness. However, another phrase, which translates to “But what is talent/talented anyway?”, follows in all translations. 

Better than any info sheet I have seen, Karasuma unites the two in a refreshing, thought-provoking, and humanizing way. Judging by his clothes (a striped uniform) see in the PV, Karasuma is a prisoner to stress and the conflicting expectations of what society expects of him. The chorus states that Karasuma is “unable to forgive [himself] for being unable to accomplish anything” (MasterSubs). This is a position many 2e (abbreviation for twice-exceptional) people find themselves in.

Heightened awareness is one of the side-effects of giftedness. Karasuma notes that a “Tokyo monster” is devouring others. The Tokyo monster is not a literal being that roams the streets at night, but it does devour people all the same. It feeds on the happiness of others. All too aware of its effects, Karasuma sees the man get devoured while the others are unaware of its effects.

Karasuma expresses guilt over having never achieving anything, but it is unclear what Karasuma’s goal is. Goals and identities are rarely ever static. They change. They fade. They sharpen. They can bleed together into one muddled mess, as is the case with Karasuma. Though Karasuma cannot forgive himself for not accomplishing anything, he never specifies what he set out to accomplish in the first place. 

Throughout the song, Karasuma saves his dreams, but what he has does not amount to one yen. He is told repeatedly to “try again”. However, Karasuma feels that he will fail no matter what. Karasuma notes feelings of isolation, a common feeling for us 2es. However, Karasuma vows to spread his “awkward love” or “talentless love” while terminating the world.

What Karasuma means by “terminating the world” is unclear. I take it to mean Karasuma intends to terminate the ways of the world’s operation by taking it out at the core. It is common for the twice-exceptional to be sick of tests, sick of numbers, and sick of having an incongruous spread of abilities. I headcanoned Karasuma as being twice-exceptional for these reasons. 

This is the AmeSubs translation of Terminating the World.

This is from Baka Weebs, but it is the same translation as MasterSubs.

I'm On Hiatus

I'm swamped with academic stuff and will take a hiatus from all blogging and social media including, but not limited to, Blogger, Tumblr, and Google+. I won't be checking my E-mail, responding to comments, or generating new content until June 4th. Until then, I will be studying hard for my finals and doing homework. I will not join any linkups either.

In the meantime, check out my older content and listen to some vocaloid music (preferably Neru). Be sure to support utaites, dubbers, and vocaloid producers while you're at it. Look out for the Tokyo monster and keep at it.

Weird Dream?????? An Analysis

The Dream
I had a dream that I was ordering makeup brushes online and that the package arrived. I did not know where I was ordering them from (either Amazon or some borderline deep web Milanoo front). I distinctly remember that they were Artis brush dupes. There was no transition between the order and getting my package. I don't remember opening the package. I just remember trying out the brushes only to find out that they were horrible and scratchy. The brushes felt like I was dragging bundles of splinters across my face.

The Context
I had my heart set on a particular set of Artis brush dupes. It was the cheapest, so I'd thought I'd buy it. However, the vendor seemed a bit sketchy. I kept looking at this brush set and watching others try similar brushes. I lost my other brushes and decided I want to upgrade anyway. I was self-loathing and overwhelmed at the time. I ended up splurging on a slightly more expensive set ($23) rather than the $16 set. I get ten (10) brushes with each set.

The Meaning
I took this as a warning not to buy the brushes. Generally, when I dream especially vividly, I take it as a prompt or warning of some sort. Given that the context was fairly obvious, I decided to spend seven extra dollars for my peace of mind. It could be a sign that I will no longer be able to present a polished version of myself and, instead, be forced to show the flaws I've tried so hard to conceal. Alternatively, it represents my dissatisfaction with the world, like anything I try to do will be meaningless.

The Side Effects of Giftedness in 10 Songs

Content Warning: Suicide and self-injury themes 

1. Lost One's Weeping

 

You'd think that this one wouldn't be on the list, wouldn't it? After all, the song is about a kid struggling in school rather than excelling. However, if you really take the time to interpret the song for what it really is, the song is more about how school robs students of their identities and replaces them with grades. It touches on those of us who are gifted in one area and feel useless at everything else.

2. Tokyo Teddy Bear (JubyPhonic Dub)

The lyrics are fairly complex to fit together and are subject to a variety of interpretations. Seeing some kid's "potential", they mold that kid into the kind of student they want. This results in quite a lot of frustration on both ends. For one, it is impossible to be a perfect student and, as evidenced in the song, it results in a loss of sense of identity. Gifted kids, especially gifted and intense kids, tend to tear themselves apart and sew their identity into new things...again and again and again in a vicious cycle of trying to find the right thing.

3. Faster

Time is in my hands, but I keep finding reasons to throw it all away. Higher intelligence compels one to fulfill specific needs that others have, one after another. This song encourages the insatiable curiosity and fears of a gifted person as well as their effort to find the pieces of themselves. Getting older, we lose pieces of ourselves that we go back and try to find. Of course, there is a limited time in life to find the meaning that we seek, so that is why gifted kids feel compulsions to "go faster".

4. Jump

Life begs complex questions that don't always have good answers. Especially for emotionally gifted kids, questions like "Why do we tell people everything will be okay when we don't know how things will turn out?" come up quite often. Jump was written with this question in mind. The juxtaposition of the intellectual and emotional makes for a song that I think describes giftedness in general all too accurately and in a way that others fail to see.

5. A Realistic Logical Ideologist (JubyPhonic Dub)

This song is a reminder that not all giftedness is readily apparent when looking through the lens of what is traditionally viewed as "intelligent". A Realistic Logical Ideologist a song about all the "If you're so smart, why don't you..."s and how today's media uses important-looking words and weapons to intimidate others. I feel that this song was written in the defense of those who are gifted, but don't have the guts or the means to truly express it.

6. World Domination-How To

This song reminds me of what I think gifted kids (really, gifted people of all ages) need to hear more often: that their success is not limited to a list of measurable achievements. The two students in the song (Tsuji 辻 [the boy] and Azuma 東 [the girl]) rule the world, but not in the traditional sense. Note that the students are at the very least highly intelligent, even if they are not explicitly described as gifted. Tsuji notes that he is alone in a fake reality, even with Azuma at his side. Tsuji and Azuma do not use violence (the "bomb" and "knife"), but use kindness to succeed.

7. A Boy and a Girl Chameleon Symptom

Whether self-imposed or brought on by others, giftedness often comes with a great deal of pressure to meet a certain set standard or image. Others are attracted to the gifted due to their talents and, after a time, separating the people who genuinely take us for who we are from those who only want our talents gets difficult. This leads society to think that the highly intelligent are perfect people when, in reality, the scars are hidden all too well.

8. Lost One's Weeping (English Piano Version)

I put two different interpretations of the same song in a list. The language difference will tell you that kids around the world struggle in school, that it's not just an issue specific to your country. With the slower tempo and piano instrumental, this particular version of Lost One's Weeping conveys apathy while the other does so with outrage. It is one thing to be able to read the kanji on the blackboard, but another to read another kid's imagination. Empathy has been devalued in today's society, something emphasized in this song.

9. Terminating the World

Talent is worse than mediocrity, but what is talent in the first place? Being born in the spotlight is not an easy life. Such a life demands constant performance and feelings of not being worth anything come along with it. Separation of the performer from the true self takes over. This song makes me think of how the gifted learn how to perform early on and how it (adversely) affects self-perception. The next time someone thinks giftedness is easy, play this song for them and make them read the subs.

10. Swaying

 

Today, someone jumps again. Today, someone smiles again. It happens every single day and I'm sick of it. It is common for the gifted to get sick of the world rather quickly, even if it is tinted with a slight trace of happiness. Explaining little nuances and patterns in things others fail to notice, Soraru articulates a feeling many have, but may not know how to express. Vacillating between loving and hating the world  It is strange that the world values intelligence so much, even when the intelligent are cowardly and weak. Wishing to become kind and strong is a wish many of us make. Realizing that we cry throughout our lives, please do me a favor and laugh a little more.

So, what did you think of this list? Did it allow you to see giftedness in a new light (or darkness)? If you are gifted yourself, could you relate to any of the songs I chose? Are there any other songs that you think fit this list? Let me know your opinions in the comment section.

I'll Quit Being Gifted (I'll Quit Singing Parody)

I am done.
I am through.
I am just sick of it all.
I am sick of everyone saying
That it's easy.

I am done.
I am through.
I am just sick of it all.
I am not even that smart.
I just work hard.
And you?

I see this kind of thing most everywhere,
Because child prodigies are popular.
People should think about the fact
I'm not like that kid.

People also compare me to my peers
And tell me that I'm not as smart as them.
I am tired of the comparisons.
Well, my desire is that I was never
Gifted.
At.
All.

And most people don't know that this is a problem.
Why are the intelligent looked upon as gods?
And for those who complain that I am not good enough,
I just have one thing to say.
Get this in your head.
No one really cares!

I am done.
I am through.
I am just sick of it all.
And I bet this parody
Won't even get that many views.

I don't have
The kind of brain
That makes everything
Make sense.
I am just as confused
As my other average level peers.

I am done.
I am through.
I am just sick of it all.
I am not a perfect person,
So don't say that I am one.
I'm human,
Fallible.

I'll quit being gifted,
But
I can't.

Song: I'll Quit Singing (Piko Version)

Artist: Sango312

Language: English

The Other Misuse of Intellectual Labels

The use of the word "gifted" as a compliment gets under my skin. Contrary to popular belief, giftedness is not only advantageous. It is merely abnormally high intelligence in one or more areas. There are certain perks that come with giftedness, but it comes with a terrible curse that I would never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemies.

First of all, the use of "gifted" as a compliment dismisses any hard work that went into said task. It implies that their craft came into fruition more easily than it really did and that hard work is not a viable means of achieving a goal. While most crafts require some iota of talent in that thing, hard work and passion are as conducive to success, if not more than, talent. Raw talent's limitations are that, once it has reached its limits, it needs something else to further its benefits. In other words, the use of "gifted" as a compliment undermines the role of passion and work ethic in the product and only focused on talent.

Secondly, it is just as bad as the use of intellectual disability as an insult. Higher intelligence is just another variant of human existence like the distribution of intelligences in a particular person. Why aren't the mothers of gifted children fervently campaigning to end the use of the word gifted as a compliment? Why are people more accepting of the use of gifted as a compliment? It's the same thing: the use of someone else's perceived intelligence to place them on subjective levels of worth. It denies other intrinsic qualities about the person. Some of the most arrogant and shallow people I know are my academic superiors.


Gifted is not a compliment, so don't use it as one! Comment instead on the aesthetic quality or ingenuity of the craft and the thought and effort put into it. Getting complimented for talent is trite anyway. Even if the result was effortless, think of the times when creating the product would have been more laborious. No great things come to be without hard work. Take my blog for example (since it's right in front of your face). Look at the cute custom font (Dancing Script italics). I had to work out numerous parsing errors in order to just be able to save the HTML, much less get results. For those of you who remember my old blog, do you remember that old serif? The reason I changed it is not due to my giftedness, but because I hated it so much that I was motivated to work to change it to what I wanted.

Why am I even writing a post about this? Has anyone else thought of the use of gifted as a compliment and the harm it can bring about? Or is this a new idea to you?

Did We Really Choose it Right Saying We're Okay This Way?

What does a teacher see when writing grades into their gradebook? Perhaps they see intellect. Perhaps they see effort. They might even see a student's interest or the lack thereof in their particular field. A student's "good" and "bad" days might be apparent in the numbers. The distribution of their students' intelligences related to the subject as well as trends and patterns can be found in the string of numbers called grades.

Much information can be milked from strings of numbers. However, numbers can only tell so much. Guess the students' emotional states, life circumstances, and what's on their hearts. Good luck doing that. You might assume that the students with okay grades are doing okay, but that's not always true! Likewise, the kid you envy for achieving milestones every minute could be the one hating themselves at the end of the day for not doing more. Your colleague/classmate who always seems to get awards could be the one thinking in the back of their mind "It's all meaningless".

Depression does not discriminate. It doesn't care about your age, gender, temperament, occupation, race, previous disability status, or anything else. Look around you for the clinically depressed people. Chances are, unless you're a very skilled psychologist, you can't spot them at a glance. You didn't think it would be the choleric-sanguine overachiever or the easygoing, almost universally-loved sanguine-phlegmatic. The analytical melancholic-phlegmatic never quite content with themselves seemed more likely. Maybe you were almost certain it was the brooding melancholic-choleric. Depression is not exclusive to predominantly melancholic temperaments.

It's nonfiction. Find the one who dyed their red heart to black. It might even be you. It doesn't do you any good to mask it with achievements; you will only fail wanting more and more until you get sucked into a black hole of stress. No one is too talented, too privileged, or too bubbly to suffer from depression. There is no temperament, MBTI type, IQ, or enneagram type immune to depression. No GPA financial standing, sports team position, chair in a musical ensemble, or social status is viable armor against such a thing. Talent or the lack thereof is not an indicator of depression either.

I watched a video about a pianist with no hands. Some people would call him inspirational. I call him an excellent and dedicated musician. Music tends to attract self-critical people, so I wonder if, behind his very well-coordinated limbs, lies a mind telling him that he will never be good enough, that he is just a gimmick made to please the small-minded masses. Part of me wonders if he worries that children like him are pressured by their parents to hone their talents in the hopes of emulating him. Does he ever want to quit out of fear of never meeting his standards?

What about the anxiety-ridden student who drops out of an opportunity for an academic honor saying "It's not for me"? Why is this student dismissed as weak and a quitter while the pianist is almost venerated? That student probably worked up as much courage to say "It's not for me" as, if not more than, the pianist gathered to perform. The brain is a physical member of the body that undergoes physical processes to keep the rest of our body functioning. Why is it that sensible, reasonable people who would never make fun of cancer would not hesitate to poke fun at a mental illness?

Again, did we really choose it right saying we're okay this way? Depression affects overachievers, average achievers, and underachievers alike. It affects a variety of people regardless of where they come from. Even without a mental illness, everyone is fighting a hard battle. It is not anyone's right to invalidate another person's experiences and hardships just because they think their or another person's problems are worse.

Song: Lost One's Weeping (slower piano version)
Artist: Neru (Dub by JubyPhonic)
Language: English dubbed from Japanese
Instrumental: Wing (Link is here)

I'm Having a Terrible Day

I feel absolutely horrible for no rational reason. I ate adequately, slept well, didn't fail anything too badly today, and yet I still feel like dirt.

Self-affirmation doesn't work, not at all. I tried telling myself I was great and that I had a lot of potential each day. However, the entire time, I felt like I was lying to myself. I felt like I was trying to be someone other than myself, like I was masking my anxiety and depression rather than actually dealing with it.

I don't have the energy to do much. I have a thousand ideas on what to write and no way to execute them.  Please enjoy the random song.

No Thank You Translyrics

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.
Go bother someone else.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.

I'm sick of daily life.
I am wallowing in all this frustration.
And in the train again, I feel like something died inside me.

I overslept today, but somehow made it to work on time.
And my headphones are entwined. 
I'm sick of everything!

Little troubles, traffic, and I hate Mondays.
Inbox full of junk and it's raining again.
My hair looks really bad.
I forgot something again.
My phone died
And I spilled my coffee. What now?
Selfish people, gossiping, and I have missed my train.
Miswrote something, stomach hurting, people's angry yells.
Inconvenient phone calls, crowds are everywhere.
And to all of them, this I say:

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.
Go bother someone else.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.

Even getting used to daily life,
I am wallowing in all this frustration.
I left my umbrella at home.

I overslept today, but somehow made it to work on time.
My pen ran out of ink. I'm sick of everything!

Little troubles, traffic, and I hate Mondays.
Inbox full of junk and it's raining again.
My hair looks really bad.
I forgot something again.
My phone died
And I spilled my coffee. What now?
Selfish people, gossiping, and I have missed my train.
Miswrote something, stomach hurting, people's angry yells.
Inconvenient phone calls, crowds are everywhere.
And to all of them, this I say:

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.
Go bother someone else.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.
Go bother someone else.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.

Song: No Thank You

Artist: Hatsune Miku

Language: Japanese