Blogger Widgets Ender-Chan's Thoughts: And Again, I've Come to See...

Thursday, March 10, 2016

And Again, I've Come to See...

Song: Solitary Hide and Seek Envy
Dubbed By: JubyPhonic
Original Artist: Hatsune Miku 
Language: English

Deal with depression? No. Every day lonely, I'd rather play a game like a slow-running stream of honey I crave. I see how my peers seem to actively avoid me. When I sit down, they all move around me as if I don't exist. Was I unneeded? Was I just in the way too? Another 8/10 on my chemistry homework. I've been a very bad girl. The others have been very ignorant to my feelings. I've even cried in class and no one cared to notice. It couldn't be more fun to party and scream unburdened by ostracism.

Call me a phantom, never meant to be. Music is my comfort. I dream in color, but then wake up with black as raven hands alive. Dancing on without a clue, they are willfully ignorant to how I struggle. I say "willfully" because they know the signs of depression. No one even asked if I am okay. I hear the "I envy gifted kids" comments all too often. Often, people say that I am "bright." Well, I was chosen to burn inside. It, however, couldn't be more fun to whistle and sing to the tune of blissful ignorance.

The fine arts gala at my school is this week. It should be fun to scramble to beat of Mambo. Envying all I need, my stand partner continues dancing on without a clue. She's been a very blind* girl. I imagine doing fun things with my friends, the good old days when we played tag and hide and seek with no regard for each others' skills and abilities. We'd all be out of breath and smiling. But gone are the days where fun was fun. Now is the time where others prioritize who they want to be with. If I'm not someone people want to be around, I respect that. I'll just leave everyone to their own devices. I don't have much to offer anyway.

*I do not mean anything ableist by this. There are many different types of sight, the main types being physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual. The type of sight I refer to here is a blend of emotional and intellectual sight.

10 comments:

  1. Depression sucks, my brother and I have depression only mine is only very very mild and my brothers is more explosive and tempermental.

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    1. Mine is explosive and temperamental, but some of that is due to my choleric-sanguine 8w7 ESTP temperament. I am tightly in the grip of inferior Ni.

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    2. Mine is more I just keep repeating the same phrase/idea or judge myself in my head and just put myself down

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    3. Mine is the "I don't care about anything because I'm worthless and I ruin everything" variety. And it's justified because it's true.

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    4. I just move slowly, look down but don't talk, withdrawal from the world to my own private fictional world that I live through Videogames and just keep repeating the same thought, the same phrase over and over and over again, "worthless, stupid, antisocial, horrible friend, can't do anything right can I? No I can't and that's why I'm avoided and ignored, bullied and hurt. It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault." And it's true, I can't do anything right, I fail constantly and Im horrible at making friends.

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    5. I smile and skip as usual, but I output lesser quality work, which escalates into feeling worthless and anxious outbursts. I have the fine one moment, crying the next variety of depression. It's definitely anxiety-induced depression. It starts with me imagining all these horrible worst case scenarios. It sucks.

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    6. :( I hope you feel better soon. Mine is brought up by stress, when people yell/get mad/disappointed at me or just when I'm sad in general. But what I do is I internalize the comments instead of yelling and screaming like my brother.

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  2. I felt exactly like this when I was in high school. I am so sorry this is happening to you. No one should be made to or ever have to feel this way. Please know that life does get better after high school. I love and appreciate you! Hang in there! If I can help in some way through the internet please let me know!

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    Replies
    1. Please pray for me. It would mean a lot.

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