Abstract Nonsense

I'll be rather blunt. I know I'll get a lot of hate for this, but feel free to hate me. It's not like you think anything else of me, right? It's better that I say this than let it weigh on my chest and kill me.

My grades are increasing. I'm about to celebrate my birthday with my friends...if I even have friends. I am arranging and want to compose something for flute ensemble. I got into my school's fine arts conservatory. I get to go to prom early (Joy Prom). However, none of those things can prevent me from ignoring the pain I hold inside like a rock. Nothing is ever good enough for me, so why should I try to live up to my own quixotic standards? Everything I do becomes a fantasy.

You see that girl over there? Sitting near me in class? The one with a great voice, great grades, and everything she could ever want? That girl is a monochrome puppet and a media monkey. The way she's living seems like plain out fraud to me. Keeping up an image that doesn't match what's inside? What a pitiful industry If she's supposedly so intelligent, why doesn't she notice how I feel? How is she able to memorize the parts of an anatomical heart, but be completely oblivious to what weighs on someone else's emotional heart?

I want to die. There's no fun anymore. I'm tired of it all. However, I don't have the guts or the means to follow through on my desire like all my other imagined futures. I've even drafted a suicide note for the Internet. You can go ahead and accuse me of seeking attention. I won't care. Go ahead and tell me it's "just a phase". It's not like I'm worth anyone's time anyway. People have come and gone out of my life like wisps of wind, apparitions, wraiths. I feel a vague wisp of a connection only to later disappoint myself with their build-a-friend factory lifestyle. But it's better than nothing, right?

But all I want to do is let out and cry. I have no one to bleed my pain onto. If I can follow my passion and do well in school at the same time, why do I feel so lonely?  Why do I feel like crying? Why do I feel like dying? It's a totally irrational desire considering my current circumstances. It doesn't make sense. I know other people feel this way, then why do I feel so isolated? I sound so pathetic as I type this. It's all just a bunch of abstract nonsense.

Song: Abstract Nonsense

Artist: Kagamine Rin (Dubbed by Shellah)

Language: English Dubbed from Japanese