Blogger Widgets Ender-Chan's Thoughts: Abstract Nonsense

Monday, March 28, 2016

Abstract Nonsense

I'll be rather blunt. I know I'll get a lot of hate for this, but feel free to hate me. It's not like you think anything else of me, right? It's better that I say this than let it weigh on my chest and kill me.

My grades are increasing. I'm about to celebrate my birthday with my friends...if I even have friends. I am arranging and want to compose something for flute ensemble. I got into my school's fine arts conservatory. I get to go to prom early (Joy Prom). However, none of those things can prevent me from ignoring the pain I hold inside like a rock. Nothing is ever good enough for me, so why should I try to live up to my own quixotic standards? Everything I do becomes a fantasy.

You see that girl over there? Sitting near me in class? The one with a great voice, great grades, and everything she could ever want? That girl is a monochrome puppet and a media monkey. The way she's living seems like plain out fraud to me. Keeping up an image that doesn't match what's inside? What a pitiful industry If she's supposedly so intelligent, why doesn't she notice how I feel? How is she able to memorize the parts of an anatomical heart, but be completely oblivious to what weighs on someone else's emotional heart?

I want to die. There's no fun anymore. I'm tired of it all. However, I don't have the guts or the means to follow through on my desire like all my other imagined futures. I've even drafted a suicide note for the Internet. You can go ahead and accuse me of seeking attention. I won't care. Go ahead and tell me it's "just a phase". It's not like I'm worth anyone's time anyway. People have come and gone out of my life like wisps of wind, apparitions, wraiths. I feel a vague wisp of a connection only to later disappoint myself with their build-a-friend factory lifestyle. But it's better than nothing, right?

But all I want to do is let out and cry. I have no one to bleed my pain onto. If I can follow my passion and do well in school at the same time, why do I feel so lonely?  Why do I feel like crying? Why do I feel like dying? It's a totally irrational desire considering my current circumstances. It doesn't make sense. I know other people feel this way, then why do I feel so isolated? I sound so pathetic as I type this. It's all just a bunch of abstract nonsense.
Song: Abstract Nonsense
Artist: Kagamine Rin (Dubbed by Shellah)
Language: English Dubbed from Japanese


  1. Flutistpride, I'm so so so sorry your felling this way!!!!! I'm here for you, please don't kill of hurt yourself!!! Have you talked to your parents or anyone else you trust about this? And you can I know that I will always be your friend! (Gives hug)

    P.S happy birthday I hope you had a wonderful day and have a great time celebrating with your friends!!!!!!

  2. I am so sorry to hear you feeling this way. Life and it's emotions are constantly changing. It sounds like you are doing well in so many areas, hold on to that... it will help you through this time of frustration. The little things, hold on to those...

    1. What does "doing well in so many areas" matter when I can't derive any sense of purpose from them?


Comment! I won't know what you have to say unless you say it.