Blogger Widgets Ender-Chan's Thoughts: General Life Update: Good News and Bad News

Saturday, June 4, 2016

General Life Update: Good News and Bad News

The Good News
  • I got accepted into the LVYO Symphony Orchestra.
  • Playing piccolo for graduation 
  • Arranging by ear is easier than I thought it would be.
  • I'm taking musical theater lessons over the summer. 
  • Handbells should be fun. 
  • I'm already started on my senior showcase called Project Diva C (a concert with entirely vocaloid music)
  • I'll be a junior in high school. 
  • I found more sheet music.
  • Marching band
  • Incoming freshmen
  • My grades are more or less where I want them to be.
  • I finally know what's wrong with me.
 The Bad News
  • LVYO conflicts with handbells.
  • I can't find good vocaloid songs for beginning string orchestra. (Ideas on arranging?) 
  • I don't know if I can pull off Project Diva C???????
  • WHY AM I STILL TOO SCARED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I still feel horrible despite the fact that my life is going swimmingly. 
  • I'm having anxiety-induced auditory hallucinations (It's a female voice urgently calling my name and it either sounds like my mom, a teacher, or another student.).
  • I feel as though I am just surviving rather than thriving.
  • Even music fails to serve as an anesthetic to my pain. 
  • Speaking of music, I choked on the intro of Pomp and Circumstance.
  • At the end of the day, I'm still some maladroit nobody with everything to prove and nothing to show.

16 comments:

  1. Hi Friend!

    That's great that your playing piccolo for graduation, doing theater and playing handbells! Among knowing what the heck's going on (wish I could say that haha!)

    As for the bad stuff,

    When in doubt prioritize, which do you like more hand bells or LVYO?

    I'm not sure about the strings thing, I'll ask Will because he plays violin.

    Don't worry, you will. I believe in you!!! Just like you believed in me with my court case with those idiots who threw me in the dumpster!

    Professional help as in terms of music or psychiatric stuff?

    :( have you talked to your parents/ other people you trust?

    Please tell me someone knows about that! That's really bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    :( I feel the same way sometimes. But at least we're surviving.

    That sucks.

    I fainted backstage during M, Tony and My band concert.

    Your not a nobody, your my friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Glad your back my friend,
    Jack

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    Replies
    1. Jack:

      Your continued and cordial friendliness is appreciated.

      Let us know what Will has in mind and what he says.

      He may be able to tap into violinists; violists; cellists and double basses. I think vocaloid might be good for arrangements.

      And young composers!

      How do you prioritise, Jack? Under pain?

      This vortex of nobodies!

      [Bernadette Robinson: SONGS FOR NOBODIES - do look for that album, especially as you're being initiated in the world of musical theatre. PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE is also fabulous. Someone recommended PIPPIN to Brooke and Katie of DIARY OF A MOM fame and there's always Godspell. I love SONGS FROM THE HEART - have a whole section dedicated to musicals through my CD/USB/Mp3/MIDI collection].

      In 1996 and 2006 I wrote books of musicals and there is nearly always a song in my written work. If there are no songs, there are poems.

      My favourite song that other people like is "Take me to Sizzlers"].

      Great to see Tones in band!

      Delta Goodrem is sometimes held to be a patron saint of the twice-exceptional. "BORN TO TRY" - there are about 6 lyrics here.

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  2. FlutistPride:

    I knew you would be accepted into the LYSO: you'd been striving for that for about four years. Wow wow wow and congratulations and felicitations.

    [[[[[[[Jack]]]]]]].

    Arranging by ear is a great thing to be able to do - if your ear is a faithful representer. So many of us are good at it. I can imitate sometimes by ear with the underlying structure.

    Handbell choir - too bad.

    So you have joined the ranks of the voice-hearers! Three hallucinationary people - three others. Do read Oliver Sacks and HALLUCINATIONS.

    How is Project Diva C going? What have you tried? What design solutions are you working on? [we have lots of fairs and showcases and exhibitions like StArtUp].

    "Incoming freshmen" - yay!

    "I finally know what's wrong with me".

    Hooray for summer classes which suit you and maybe new friends who go in deep and intense.

    How does the piccolo suit you as an instrument, FlutistPride?

    Music is not an anaesthetic! It is often a mood-enhancer, yes. And it does touch cognition profoundly. If I want a three-minute mood change, there's One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey [feeling the Muhammad Ali grief now] and Tina Turner's STAND BY YOUR MAN.

    Pomp and Circumstance has never been a song I could feel. "What I did for love" is one I do. [Remember Nathan's POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE?]

    Yes - the seeking is the hard thing. I know many of the practitioners in Nevada are not what we would seek.

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    Replies
    1. Adelaide....
      Music is not an anaesthetic! It is often a mood-enhancer, yes. And it does touch cognition profoundly. Music is an escape.... At least it is to me!! Bruce has helped me escape during Life's hard times.... ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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    2. PS. I meant to put your words in quotation marks!! Whoops.... ;-}

      Delete
    3. You can also bold or italicise the quotes.

      A long time ago Blogger and Google had a [Quote]/[/Quote] function, at least for posts. I don't know how well it worked for comments.

      Probably make a line at the beginning and end of what I say?

      Delete
  3. Anna....
    WELCOME BACK!! ;-D
    "I'm already started on my senior showcase called Project Diva C (a concert with entirely vocaloid music). I don't know if I can pull off Project Diva C???????" You will do absolutely fine!! I believe in you, Friend!! I do mean that!! Go Anna, go!! ;-D
    "I finally know what's wrong with me." Well, that is a start.... Knowing what's "wrong" with yourself.... It is one cosmic step forward, rather than two steps back!! I absolutely think that you do need to seek help.... For your Depression.... For low Self-Esteem issues.... For your suicidal thoughts.... For every issue that is eating at you!! Whether it be your parents? A counselor at school? An trusted adult friend, such as your neighbor, for example? A youth pastor, if you attend church? Or.... A therapist? Anybody....? Please do seek professional help!! You are not a "maladroit nobody"!! You are not worthless!! You are not a cosmic failure!! You're Beautifully Unique!! You're smart!! You're talented and--yes--you're gifted!! You do have a hope and a future!! God has plans for your Life!! You are fearfully and wonderfully made!! You're my Friend!! ;)
    "WHY AM I STILL TOO SCARED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP?!" Pride? Embarrassment? Feeling like if you do seek professional help, then you're "psychologically disturbed"? Right....? Did you know that a lot of people--even successful "celebrities"--suffer from Depression? Such as Bruce Springsteen, who, in 1982 was feeling suicidal. He has been seeing a psychotherapist ever since!! It took roughly thirty years for Bruce to tell his fanatics--and the world at large--that he suffers from Depression.... Which I am not judging. You know what? This was the very first thing that I ever learned about Bruce!! And I immediately felt like I understood him.... I instantaneously "got" his thoughts, feelings, emotions.... I just automatically felt for Bruce.... We are the same. Artist to artist, perfectionist to perfectionist, writer to writer.... And suddenly, this so-called "rock god" was vulnerable, human, "normal".... ;-D
    You think, I don't like anything I'm seeing, I don't like anything I'm doing, but I need to change myself, I need to transform myself. I do not know a single artist who does not run on that fuel. --Bruce Springsteen
    "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
    PS. Sorry, long comment!! I did cut it down to size!! Honestly!! I so cannot do Twitter!! Ha!! ;-D

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    1. Yes.

      So BS told roughly in 2012.

      Some of us might think it morbid - this is the first thing we learn about a celebrity...

      "I need to change myself. I need to transform myself. I do not know a single artist who does not run on that fuel".

      If we don't run on that fuel, does that mean we're not artists? That is something I thought about. And then I realised I would create more and better art - and help others - if I liked myself just the way I was.

      It might be nerves due to a big and hairy and ambitious and audacious project. Do not downstate nerves.

      "A cosmic step forward" - that, Raelyn, had me think of Geri Halliwell and how she used cosmic shopping lists in the three / four years the Spice Girls were together.

      Thank you for the suggestions about teamwork ["I finally know what's wrong with me"].

      And it is true. A lot of psychologically healthy people seek help as part of their everyday lives. Sometimes it can be "first in family" pressure similar to the one that happens when low-income students enter into college or university. You have to change and transform yourself. The key words are "healthy" and "everyday".

      But so many of us do not do it unless or after we are in crisis.

      Last week someone in my family picked up their baton and made relationships with caseworkers and Community Support.

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    2. Adelaide....
      It was not morbid at all for Bruce's Depression to be the first thing that I ever learned about him.... I just kind of stumbled across it Online sometime in 2014!! Because he is a famous musician, you can find articles about Bruce's Depression!! Like I already expressed, I immediately felt like I understood him.... I instantaneously "got" his thoughts, feelings, emotions.... I just automatically felt for Bruce.... We are the same. Artist to artist, perfectionist to perfectionist, writer to writer.... And suddenly, this so-called "rock god" was vulnerable, human, "normal". Guess what? The fact that Bruce is vulnerable, human and "normal" may not have been something I was voluntarily searching for, but it didn't shock or surprise me!! Why? Because, even "celebrities" are vulnerable, human, and "normal"!! That is my point here!! ;)
      "I need to change myself. I need to transform myself. I do not know a single artist who does not run on that fuel". "If we don't run on that fuel, does that mean we're not artists?" Now, that is a good question!! And, certainly, a lot of artists do not run on the fuel which Bruce was describing.... But we should always strive to transform ourselves, to change ourselves, to become better versions of ourselves.... To gather in Life, to evolve, to mature!! Especially if we do not like something about ourselves!! ;-D
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn


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    3. As for the "we do not like something about ourselves":

      Raelyn: it does depend on many things

      like the * importance
      * degree of our dislike
      * kind/nature of our dislike

      Gathering in life is one way to evolve and to mature.

      Yes - vulnerability does make a big contribution to humanity and to normality. To be vulnerable is to be normal.

      For some of us the voluntary element is the important one. As I think when I "push that button" to be gifted.

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    4. Adelaide....
      I am breaking these very different comments into twain parts!! Because the second one is off-subject!! Aw, my crazy, never-shuts-down brain!! ;-D
      "To be vulnerable is to be normal." I like that!! So true, so true, so true!! ;)
      "As for the 'we do not like something about ourselves': it does depend on many things like the * importance * degree of our dislike * kind/nature of our dislike *". Question. Do you not have anything {about your character flaws, about your personality, about your faults} that you don't like? {Well, I do!!} Don't you want to change this character flaw, or that fault to become a better person, to become a better version of yourself, to become a better woman/man? {Well, I do!!} As a Christian, I believe that we are all sinners, we're all human, we all possess shortcomings. And {based on observation!!} I am also convinced that--if I don't change myself, if I don't transform myself RIGHT NOW--then these character flaws, these faults, these shortcomings.... These idiosyncrasies.... Only become greater, more amplified and stronger in "old age". I am far from perfect. I'm hopelessly flawed!! I definitely do not have everything in this Life figured out. I am, after all, only thirty-two years old!! Now, you do not have to answer this question, Friend.... However.... It is something to ponder and think about!! ;-D
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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    5. Adelaide....
      You can't be afraid of getting old. Old is good, if you're gathering in life. --Bruce Springsteen
      One of the best things--I have learned--about loving an "old guy" {there, I said it!!} "celebrity" is that he has lived this Life a lot longer than I have and I've got so much to learn from him!! I do with Bruce.... You know what? Bruce is an old soul. Nobody--as far as I can tell--has ever said that about him. Bruce has been called several things throughout his career. "The future of rock 'n roll". A "rock god". "The next Bob Dylan".... "The Boss". But nobody has ever called Bruce "an old soul"!! And {this is my opinion} I think that Bruce was an old soul at age twenty-five!! ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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  4. Dear Raelyn:

    These are the things I don't like about myself and may or may not be amenable to change. The qualities do amplify. And then there's the whole "When did they start to be a problem, and where can we go from here"?

    Self: I don't like anything that doesn't reflect well on me. So I tend to be a censor and a monitor.

    Others: I expect too much of others and I don't feel like I give enough back, especially in the everyday actions, and I overcompensate.

    Property: I am covetous. I want what others have; or what I wanted and had in the past.

    Body: Its flexibility and reactivity.

    Mind: I can be stubborn and superficial intellectually.

    I find this a good way to distill.

    The first three categories are relational. "Does this harm/is this a wrong"? is probably a better question than the simple likes/dislikes or even strengths/weaknesses" or "what are my opportunities and threats in this situation"?

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    1. Adelaide....
      You did not have to reveal to me some of your faults.... Not here, not ever.... But I am glad that you did!! Adelaide.... I now feel closer to you somehow, Friend!! ;)
      "I am covetous. I want what others have; or what I wanted and had in the past." You know what? I can so relate to this shortcoming!! Not with what I had in the past, as much as with smart, capable, "normal" people. I want that. I want to be smart, I want to feel capable, I want to be "normal", whatever "normal" is. Yes, yes.... Envy, comparison to others and jealousy are definite heart of stone issues with me.... Which, recently {thanks to Bruce's deep, profound, poetic songwriting and The River Challenge!!} I have started working on!! It has not been an easy road, but well worth every single bumpy pothole!! ;-D
      "I can be stubborn." Me too!! I can be stubborn and strong-willed!! On one hand? This is a blessing, because as an infant, I was born with craniosynostosis, congenital diaphragmatic hernia and Wolff Parkinson-White syndrome--all of which have been surgically repaired--so, God's Grace set aside--my strong will helped keep me alive!! But on the other hand? Stubbornness and strong will runs deep in the family blood.... Honestly? We have generations of stubbornness and strong will!! Ha!! ;-D
      You are definitely not alone with your faults, shortcomings and character flaws.... we are all works in progress.... Right? ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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  5. Replies
    1. Adelaide....
      Hello Friend!! Thank-you for the link!! ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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