Being autistic is like having a lead role in a musical you know nothing about and never auditioned for in the first place. You usually learn how to act first. You gain the context of your performance and learn how to look like you belong on the stage. Whether you sing or dance first depends on who you are. I myself have awkward feet, but I love to sing. (I'm still self-conscious about my voice.) You may not be able to match a single pitch, but can step kick kick leap kick touch like a boss. You may catch onto both easily or not at all. However, ultimately, it's your stage. It's your choice to either fade into the background or step into the spotlight.
I have always loved performing of any kind, playing the parts people wanted me to play. When I didn't have a role to play, I felt lonely and unneeded. Want a flutist? I can do that. First or second? Want a student? I'll study my hardest. Want a blogger? I'll go pitter-pat on the keys until I crank out something readable. However, performance has an ugly side that I am all too aware of. As glamorous as it is, the glamour gets old quickly and I get so used to the sensation of sweating under stage lights that I can barely feel myself without their heat.
The drama teachers who run my latest camp (Take the Stage LV summer camp) recently complimented my acting skills, calling me talented at acting. I wish that were the case. I just have a lot of experience, not really onstage, but offstage, and at practically every moment. Acting is really all I have. I find what I want to be and be that until someone needs me to be something else. Some days, I have felt more like a disposable prop than a human. Don't get me wrong; I still love performing. It's just difficult to find respite.
I am an actress. Am I a flutist, writer, arranger, composer, etc.? Yes, but those are all just roles I enjoy playing. Acting is a great thing, but ask yourself: Is it for me? It gets tiring, frustrating, and lonely beyond what most non-actors can imagine. However, nailing an enjoyable role (or making a less-than-fun one awesome) is among the most fulfilling things in life. "Myself" is a role I have yet to learn how to play as the script is still being written.
I never knew that about you Anna my friend! I think you would be a great Actress, or at anything else you decide to pursue!! I'm doing tech/stage crew for the high school play next year (I don't have much of a social life other then the fellowship,coding and archery) I'm excited but a little nervous.
ReplyDeleteJazz squares! Wow!
ReplyDeleteHad a few good friends involved in choreography, and saw the results of their work in SMITHY's 2005 production.
Going to the theatre now to see an original play. In the next few hours.
M: tech/stage crew is fun. Stage management for me in 2000 and dramaturgy in 2001. And then there was lighting and sound which I got a double dose of until about 2006.
Trust your nerves; lean into the excitement. And that is quite the social life to me!
FlutistPride: I thought the "actress" thing would be quite different, more figurative, more metaphysical.
The second paragraph is awesome. Grandin said much which was similar. "I can act social," she said, "but it is like being in a play. Off the stage..." The context was when children can be in a play and social afterwards.
What about playing the parts which are yours? The ones that you were born to play?
A great post for Autistic Pride Day [18/6/2016].
Talent and experience - they are different. It's great to be complimented and to compliment.
Thank you for the Chorus Line videos - "Who am I" and "I hope I get it".
You may not be able to match a single pitch, but can step kick kick leap kick touch like a boss. You may catch onto both easily or not at all. However, ultimately, it's your stage. It's your choice to either fade into the background or step into the spotlight.
I just have a lot of experience, not really onstage, but offstage, and at practically every moment. Acting is really all I have. I find what I want to be and be that until someone needs me to be something else. Some days, I have felt more like a disposable prop than a human. Don't get me wrong; I still love performing. It's just difficult to find respite.
However, nailing an enjoyable role (or making a less-than-fun one awesome) is among the most fulfilling things in life. "Myself" is a role I have yet to learn how to play as the script is still being written.
There was a post I enjoyed six years ago which was all about the stars, the backup dancers and the janitors.
And sometimes it can feel more like a repertory company where the stage is rented or hired under rickety conditions.
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