This is My Disability "Playlist" (What's Yours?)

1. "Jump"-Laura Shigihara
There is part of us that is still a frightened child: the part of us that still wants to hear the words "Everything will be okay", even when we don't know if we will indeed be okay. It is a daunting task to take initiative, especially when striving for an unknown outcome.

If we jump into the water, would we swim or would we drown? If we build a set of wings, then could we fly or just fall down? When you try to hit a milestone, you sometimes wonder if the arduous journey is for nothing or if you will waste your life having not tried at all. Jumping into a the unknown on a regular basis is commonplace in the disability community. Laura Shigihara's words mirror the intermingling of uncertainty and the underlying hope that give us the strength to swim and drown, to fly and fall. Hopefully, someone holds your hand (perhaps not literally) through it all.

2. Cube Land-Laura Shigihara

You're in a cube land digging with cold hands and using tools from doctors, therapists, yourself, and others trying to climb out of this mess you're in. Plagued by vulnerability and a lack of agency, your doors are open to whoever wants to break you. Thinking fast, you somehow last and make it through the rest of the day. You can't go back. You may not have a choice, but you fight the good fight and keep defending through the night because you're driven to survive.

Trying to slowly and tediously make progress towards a goal sometimes feels like punching a tree for wood: tedious, painful, and exhausting. Adjusting to your cube land is hard work. Rejection and failure close in like skeletons and zombies while the feeling of inadequacy taunts you like Herobrine appearing, then disappearing in flashes. You know you have to defeat Herobrine, but you're not sure how. You drive your sword through Herobrine to remove him, but you know he will come back to haunt you.

3. From the Ground Up-Laura Shigihara 

All skills are built from the ground up. Then, one day, the world crumbles around you. You take the hands of your team and help you build what you have lost--and more. You must reconstruct it--all from the ground up.

You work tirelessly although climbing's not your forte, wondering if you're there at your goal or if someone even cares. Still, the day goes on and the dragon is still on your tail. The notes from the doctors penetrate your stone walls and sends hordes of pain and guilt your way. You were not prepared for this, but you stand before the dragon.

4. Take Back the Night-TryHardNinja

As you wake from the initial shock, you discover that your kingdom has fallen. Secrets and the skeletons of your dreams wander through the ruins of what you thought would be the next Alexandria. Perhaps you feel like you're on the sidelines watching the bridge to freedom burn and break on its different sides. It's easier to run away, but, on that day, you decide it's time to cast the shadows out from sight. You make your final stand with a shouting cry.

Torch at the ready, you charge into the unknown. The ghosts of your dreams will come to light with time and force. I have spent my live wandering in the night, and perhaps you have too, but it's time to take it back.

5. Find the Pieces-TryHardNinja

Do you ever wish you could dig straight down and block it all away because the world is being particularly unfair to you? This song is about the hero of Take Back the Night finding his father after growing up and fighting an armies of Minecraft monsters. Everyone has someone they want to reach, but we might have to fight monsters, both theirs and our own, in order to reach them.

As you find the pieces of a relationship, self-discovery, or your passion, you continue to search for the pieces. You may never find all the pieces, but you search on and fight to meet others and know that you are not alone. After all, gray sunshine is still sunshine.

6. "No one is Alone"-Anna Kendrick and James Corden

The disability blogger community is my favorite Internet community for this reason: No one is alone. Most of the people I meet do not have their mother to guide them; they are on their own. They do things, fight things, and defy conventions in ways other people frown upon. Sometimes, even the most experienced, the most intelligent, the most revered bloggers feel they've lost their way. This community is one of few places where community and learning know no bounds. 

Where else do a high school student, a public speaker, a doctor, and a parent find solidarity with each other? Such a thing is not likely; I am infinitely grateful for it. The giants in your life can be good; it is up to you to own them. Just remember that someone is by your side no matter who they are.

7. "Fight Song"-Rachel Platten
A small boat on the ocean can send big waves into motion. A single word can make a heart open; likewise, one match can make an explosion. Perhaps all those things you didn't say are like wrecking balls inside your brain. Scream them loud tonight; you never know who will hear your voice this time.

It took me 13 years to claim my life, so it's not too late for you. Play your fight song loud and clear. Let every note flow through your veins as though music is your blood. Channel that strength into your passion, your purpose, your raison d'être. Everyone has one. Yours might not be the same as others, but that is okay.

8. Overcomer-Mandisa
You either embrace your status as an overcomer or, if you're like me, you're sick of defying the odds. Either way, you're an overcomer. Stay in the fight 'till the final round. You might be down for a moment, feeling like it's hopeless, but that's when God reminds you that you are an overcomer.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" is attributed to many people, but it means the same no matter who said it. No life is without struggle. Everyone is an overcomer in some way or another. You might feel slighted because someone is complaining about something you so desperately want. Do not neglect these feelings. Address them and go on with your life.

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9.  Beautiful-Christina Aguilera 

With the advent of anonymity via the Internet, hurtful words are tossed about haphazardly in today's society. They are the kamikaze winds that bring us down, but can't quite seem to keep us down for long. We are beautiful no matter what they say; words can't keep us down. I listen to this song when words--or numbers--are bringing me down.

Comments like "I wish I were smart/talented like you" or "You're so lucky to be smart/talented" drive my self-esteem into the ground, especially on the days when I don't feel smart/talented. I have strong compulsions that make me feel like I have to be the best, the first, or step higher on the pyramid of intelligence in some way. A 99% on a test might be a triumph for you, but I would scold myself on how I could have scored a 100% if only I studied more thoroughly or ate a better breakfast. I am not some GPA or IQ that you want. If I am solely defined by my intelligence, then it denies every other attribute I have.

10. "Everything's Alright"-Laura Shigihara
With short steps and deep breaths through life, you tell yourself "Everything is alright". Perhaps, even with your chin up, you can't step into the spotlight. Your emotions and words may have a wide rift between them. Looking out, you see your loved ones say "I'm sad" somehow without any words. You might stand there searching for an answer. However, I assure you, that when this world is no more and the moon is all we'll see, I'll ask you to fly away with me.

 This playlist is not meant to be listened to in any particular order, but it has a song for every moment. We jump in to our cube land, build our lives from the ground up, take back the night, try to find the pieces, remind each other that no one is alone, play our fight songs, are overcomers (some for survival, some by choice), are beautiful in every single way, and tell each other that everything's alright all in one day. I tried to select a song for every moment, for the highs and the lows, when we live in castles that become boxes that we have to move, for the uncertain moments when we jump into the water, the days when we need encouragement or want to exhort another person.

And Now: An Echolaliac Poem Featuring Lyrics From These Songs

For Every Moment

Could we fly or just fall down?
I've made the choice to stay.
I don't even mind leaving it behind.
So fight the past, take back the night
When I find the pieces.
You decide, but you are not alone
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me.
You're not going under
So don't you bring me down today.
If you're with me, then everything's alright.

Is there any song that you feel can be added to the playlist or pattern that you noticed about the songs? Do you feel that my choices reflect my personality in some way? Comment below!

If you want to make something like this, link back to me and let me know! It can be any number of songs.