Even singing this song with Kaito was high for me.
I am done.
I am through.
I am just sick of it all.
I am sick of expectations
That all girls can sing C5.
I am done.
I am through.
I am just sick of it all.
I am not a soprano.
I'm a tenor.
Knock it off!
Ever since the day I started to sing,
Soprano vocalists were popular.
But I never thought a day would come
When I would be one of them.
And that's another problem that I have,
People assuming that my singing's bad
Because most songs extend too high for me.
Do people know that my range starts
At B2, not C4?
And do people get that
There's other ranges too?
Even altos go unknown
In the hype of higher range.
And you know I won't strain
Just to sing beyond my range.
What am I going to have to do
To get all this through?
I'm telling you.
I am done.
I am through.
I can't take it anymore.
I am sick of people
Expecting things
That I was not made for.
I am done.
I am through.
I'm not singing high for you.
I am not a soprano.
I'm a tenor.
Knock it off!
I am done.
I am through.
I won't break my voice for you.
So stop thinking that 'cause I'm a girl
That I can sing high notes.
Why do I
Even need
Just to say this anyway?
This is life.
This is the song I parodied because, like Kaito, I am sick of singing high.
I've decide to compile this akidearest-style list of vocaloid songs not only due to my vocaloid obsession, but due to the fact that some things are best expressed with computer-generated voices. If you thought vocaloid was just some inane genre of music made to be cute, catchy, and not much else, please think again. Artists use vocaloid to touch on a myriad of very serious and very real issues. Not all of these songs are explicitly about disability, but do touch on heavily related themes. Also note that these songs do cover some sensitive issues and can possibly be triggering (specifically for suicide, abuse, and death of a loved one), so listen at your own risk.
This video contains flashing images throughout.
1. Rolling Girl-Hatsune Miku
Of all the media genres I have seen, vocaloid does the best job of portraying mental illness accurately. Rolling Girl portrays a clear image of anxiety, depression, and psychotic disorders in general. In this video, Hatsune Miku is both bullied by her peers and the voices in her head. At the end of the video, she lies in the arms of a character assumed to be her depression personified. (Thank you, akidearest.) Ultimately, this song is about a girl that was bullied into suicide due to her insistence to roll one more time, one more time. She never sought help for her mental illness(es) either, instead stubbornly insisting that she was fine, which makes this an all the more tragic story about something that happens nearly every day.
2. Lost One's Weeping-Kagamine Rin
Though this song describes how school stresses students in general, the stressors of academic life are even more prevalent with disabled students. In this video, a young (most likely) Japanese schoolboy excels at math and science, but feels useless because he is not good with languages. In this song, the boy feels apathetic and frustrated with the way his teachers treat him. It is evident that the boy displays a high amount of emotional intelligence ("Can you read that kid's imagination?") which is not valued in schools. Thus, the boy feels out of place and like he is less intelligent than his peers due to the dispersion of his intelligences. The boy's dreams were squashed under the foot of his teachers all because he couldn't read the kanji on the blackboard, but he could read another kid's imagination.
3. Seasonal Feathers-Kagamine Rin and Len
This song will resonate with many of you. Seasonal Feathers is an interpretation of the Crane Maiden story. In the song, a man rescues a crane, who visits him in human form. The two fall in love and get married. However, the husband (Len) falls ill while the wife (Rin) weaves clothes out of her own feathers to keep her spouse comfortable and warm. In the end, they both die. This song covers the issue of both caregiver overexertion and not being able to obtain necessary medications, both of which are detrimental to the health of both parties. Aside from the song being plain tragic no matter what your background is, it carries a message about how caregivers can overwork themselves, even to the point of death, without the proper assistance.
4. You are a Useless Child-Kikuo
No, I didn't mean you. That's just the title of the song. Throughout the song, the mother insults the child, calling the child useless at speaking, exercise, and academics and even telling the child to fester in their own bodily fluids. She makes the child repeat the things she said in what translates into English as "a duet with a lousy feeling", but ends up telling the child that she will protect them forever. Eventually, the child becomes fed-up with the mistreatment and commits suicide. The mother later regrets saying such things about the child saying, essentially, that she was the useless one after all. This song is a reminder to parent advocates to be careful about what they say about their children, especially on the Internet and to choose their organizations wisely. "Autism Speaks" was the first thing that popped into my head when I heard this song. If you don't know why, I suggest you look to other autistic people for clues.
Discussion Questions
Are there any other songs that should be on this list? Why?
Do you agree with me, disagree with me, or have any other theories or speculations on the songs listed?
Content Warning: A lot of these songs deal with sensitive and controversial themes. Listen at your own risk.
Phlegmatic Blends:
PhlegMel: Echo (Dubbed by JubyPhonic)
PhlegSan: Rolling Girl (Dubbed by JubyPhonic) Warning: Flashing Images Throughout, especially 2:50-3:01
PhlegChlor: Clean Freak
Sanguine Blends:
SanChlor: Childish War (Dubbed by rachie and JubyPhonic)
SanPhleg: Drop Pop Candy (Dubbed by Kuraiinu and JubyPhonic)
SanMel: Witch Hunt (Dubbed by JubyPhonic)
Melancholic Blends:
MelPhleg: Seasonal Feathers (Dubbed by Lyyratic and SirHamnet)
MelChlor: Servant of Evil (Dubbed by SirHamnet)
MelSan: Lost One's Weeping (Dubbed by JubyPhonic)
Choleric Blends:
ChlorSan: World Domination-How To (Dubbed by SirHamnet)
ChlorMel: Outer Science(Dubbed by JubyPhonic)
ChlorPhleg: Remote Control (Dubbed by JubyPhonic)
Do you think these songs accurately reflect each blend? What is your favorite song on the list? Are there other English dubs of vocaloid songs that can reflect the blends?
Health Warning: The video contains a host of seizure triggers.
Trigger Warning: Rolling Girl contains suicide themes.
Depression killed my concentration.
This song accurately describes my experiences with anxiety-induced depression. One more time, I roll for another day down the same slope knowing that it hurts me, but it's the only way I can block out the pain that lingers in the corners of my mind. I keep uttering platitudes in response to how I feel. "I'm just fine" with a smile on my face is my primary defense. In theory, I will "baseline" and not be able to feel it anymore. I'm getting help, but, today, I'll keep rolling for another day.
Song Rolling Girl
Artist: Hatsune Miku
Language: Japanese
Extroverted thinking (Te) seems to be an unwelcome function in the online disability community. Saying things like "See past labels" and "I am more than a spreadsheet" makes Te doms (EN/STJs) in the online disability community feel alienated and out of place. Label and data aversion takes away the Te dom's primary way of understanding the world, which is an example of temperamental discrimination.
I feel like nothing matters anymore, not even school. I don't even feel like arranging music or playing my flute.
I'm vacillating between ENTP and ENTJ again.
I felt like using Verdana and random colors here.
The above text is not made to be readable.
I'm still in Verdana.
How did I get to this thought?
Really?
I get *very* annoyed when people misuse the term "neurodiversity".
Artist: Jonathan Coulton (lyricist) and Ellen McLain (singer) (Cover by me)
Language: English
Well, here we are again. It's always such a pleasure. The rift between autistic people and non-autistic parents of autistic children persists, leading to confusion. Personally, I am firmly with the autistic people and trying to explain the issue using temperament theory. The topics of cures, treatment methods, and what stimming means are especially controversial. It seems that both parties have similar temperaments, but different base values, which leads to some epic clashing.
Under the circumstances, I've been shockingly nice. Though I will, to an extent, step back and let you do your thing, I still abhor Autism Speaks, the use of aversives, and "Quiet hands" the way others abhor racism. I could bash parents into the ground, but I know that is not the way I would want my ways to be perceived. After all, since I am the one tired of invalidation, why should I do the same?
You want your freedom? Take it. That's what I'm counting on. Keep in mind that your little Caroline is a human and that she has her own MO, but I do not know her while you do. Not everyone is going to agree with what you do with Caroline, but most people have good intentions for her. Most people do not hate people, but hate actions.
Goodbye, my only friend. Oh, did you think I meant you? That would be funny if it weren't so sad. Being taught to play "the right way" with "the right things" defeats the purpose of play, which is to derive pleasure and have fun. It teaches that people will only love you for a learned image, not for who you really are. A friend of mine recalled an experience of an autistic girl who got her hair pulled by her (presumably neurotypical) peers claiming they were "styling" it. The girl excused their behavior by saying "They're my friends" because that is what her "therapist" told her.
If you don't want to listen to autistic people and, thus, by rejecting empirical evidence, you're someone else's problem. That's what I'm counting on. I'll let you get right to it because now, I only want you gone. You've got your short, sad life left. If you support Autism Speaks or promote the robbing of human rights from autistic people, I want you gone. Go make some new disaster because, now, I only want you gone.
Verse 1:
Perfection is a siren's cry.
I set my standards very high,
As much as it's my enemy,
I can't ignore the call.
Verse 2:
I was born to rule and reign,
But a tough face I do feign.
Although I seem to have control,
I'm just afraid to fall.
Pre-Chorus:
There's a piece I've got to find,
Both my freedom and my bind.
To know of it would clarify
So many things
Chorus:
Why do you act the way you do?
I need a piece, I need a clue.
I need to understand
This part that makes you you,
So tell me.
Why do you act the way you do?
Why do you act the way you do?
Verse 3:
I maintain a poker face,
Every time and every place.
It'd be nice if someone noticed
What lies underneath.
Verse 4:
Of course I'm so much fun,
But secret fears deeply do run.
Rejection hurts much more than
What you see.
Pre-Chorus and Chorus
Bridge:
Four basic types of people,
Neither one is good or evil.
It is just the way you are,
The way you act and live your life.
A plant that cannot live
According to its nature dies
And to a man the same applies.
Pre-Chorus and Chorus
I only have the lyrics. Feel free to sing this and create an instrumental!
Disclaimer: This is from a student's perspective and entirely based on my experiences.
This article was written assuming the autistic student in question chose band voluntarily as a pursuit and is committed to some degree to the subject.
Beginning Students
Let the student choose their instrument. I have read an article in which an autistic student that chose flute was switched to trumpet because the director thought the flute was "too hard." This resulted in the student's dissatisfaction and frustration. A student will be more likely to succeed playing the instrument of their choice because, with their instrument, they choose the trials that come with such an instrument.
Never, under any circumstances, give a student a broken or defunct instrument. It is hard enough to learn an instrument without having it not work properly. Frustration is more intense in an autistic student. If they cannot figure out the problem with the instrument, they will melt down and be discouraged with band.
Do not automatically lower your expectations. Not only is this fatal to musical growth, but it lowers the student's self-esteem. Setting low standards creates a toxic train of thought that leads to the student settling for less than their absolute best. Adjusting standards is one thing, but completely lowering them is another. Regardless of the student's disability/ies, current skill level, or other factors, having condescendingly low expectations is not acceptable.
Do not set standards too high. Setting quixotic standards leads to the same toxic train of thought mentioned above. This applies to all students as well. A continuous cycle of disappointment in band will be broken one of two ways: by quitting band with a residual hatred of performance left over
Assess the student as an individual. Any good teacher knows that no two students respond to the same stimulus in exactly the same way for exactly the same reasons. Autistic students are no different. Two such students might, in fact, be foils to each other in the way they receive sensory input from the band. For example, one student may plug their ears during loud sections in the music while another will relish the swells in the music.
Accommodate the student as needed--and only as needed. Making a few exceptions to the concert attire rules to accommodate tactile sensitivities, permitting the wearing of headphones, and allowing the student to quietly fidget onstage can be the difference between a successful performance and a meltdown. If you absolutely cannot accommodate a need, explain why. Take care that low expectations do not manifest as over-accommodating, so, if you are ever unsure, just ask.
Let the student move at their own pace. Most students have some variability in their learning paces. An autistic student's variabilities will be intensified. It might take them five days to learn how to change between two notes in the initial stages, but music might be smooth sailing from there.
Treat the student as you would any member of the ensemble. Expect them to practice at home, balance and blend with the others, be in tune, and hold them to the standards others are held to where there is no need for adjustment.
Intermediate and Advanced Students
Offer the opportunity of extracurricular ensembles and music festivals as you would to any other student, but do not force or coerce. As with any group of students, there are a passionate select few always scanning the world for opportunities to pick up their instrument. Withholding such opportunities from a passionate student will be detrimental to their music growth as well as their self-esteem. If a student is active in band to the extent they choose to be, they will love it and may increase in activity later.
Emphasize personal improvement over chair position. Asking "Why are you still in X chair?" rather than "Where were you last, where are you now, and where do you want to be?" is not conducive to healthy musical growth in any musician. It might produce a short term response, but emphasis on chair position over personal improvement promotes egotism and a hostile ensemble environment.
Accept the reason the student is in band. Some students are in band because they are serious and passionate about music; such students may pursue it as a career. Others simply like the people in band enough to pursue the subject as a hobby. Use this reason to your advantage in order to promote growth and improvement.
Adjust as needed. As a student goes through band and, ultimately, life, their needs change. Band fulfills many needs at once: for society, cognitive development, and for motivation. The satisfaction the student derives from band can change over time.
Assist in problem-solving as requested/needed. Generally, autistic students to not respond well to eye-rolling and sarcasm. If they are still out of tune, offer tips that will help with them staying in tune rather than scoffing "You're still out of tune?". Problems with communication can prevent the student from saying "I need assistance with X." Offer your assistance, but do not force it. Most people resent being "helped" without their permission and would rather make their own successes rather than get dragged into them.
Other Tips
Let meltdowns run their course. Do not try to resolve them or teach during a meltdown. In these emotional explosions, one's IQ can decrease by 30 points. They are not the same as tantrums because they are not in any way controlled or a means to achieve one's whims and desires. Only use restraint if their or another student's immediate safety is at risk. Restraint and cornering will only make it worse.
Never call the police during a meltdown. Many autistic people die or are traumatized at the hands of law enforcement.
Remember that behavior is communication. Rarely do autistic people display belligerence simply for the sake of doing so. They might be tired, overwhelmed, hungry, or just plain having a bad day when acting out.
Never, ever enforce "quiet hands" policies despite what the "specialists" and "experts" say. Autistic people stim as a means of staving off sensory and/or emotional overload, self-expression, and meeting their needs. Redirection to an alternative should take place if the stim is harmful or disruptive--and only if it is harmful or disruptive.
Emphasize individual assets. Though self-esteem varies widely by the individual and their temperament, autistic people tend to have lower self-esteem than their neurotypical counterparts. Offer affirmation regularly and specifically. We get tired of hearing a trite, infantile "Good job" and want to specifically hear what we did well. Whether lower self-esteem is the sensing of being different or a temperamental trend I am not sure, but keep this in mind when giving feedback.
Embrace the student's learning method. Every learning style has a way to yield desired results. Your teaching methods may conflict with the student's learning methods, so this creates the need for one person to adapt. Whether the student or the teacher is required to adapt depends on the particular pairing, but one must yield to unsure success.
These tips are meant to accommodate a variety of abilities, temperaments, backgrounds, experience levels, and other variations.
I do speak through writing and oral communication, but I communicate that which is beyond words through music.
The piece before you is "Everything's Alright" by Laura Shigihara. It is from the visual novel "To the Moon." River, one of the main NPCs in To the Moon, has Asperger's Syndrome; she folds paper rabbits after seeing one killed at their wedding and is attached to a lighthouse named Anya. In an early childhood belief, she said the stars to be lighthouses far away from each other, that they were lonely and in need of friends, but unable to reach out to others.
Aside from music having an integral role in To the Moon and my obsession
with Laura Shigihara's music, I chose to arrange "Everything's Alright"
to, somehow without any words, tell the story from River's perspective.
The blend of dissonances and consonances illustrates a life with
Asperger's Syndrome for the bittersweet reality it is.
Throughout the game, River speaks a language of symbolism. She uses rabbits to try to get her husband, John, to remember their first meeting and why he wanted to go to the moon. In the same way her condition manifests as seeing others dispersed throughout her life, but being unable to reach them. By befriending a lighthouse, she communicates her need for connection, but inability to express that desire.
The other NPC with Asperger's Syndrome, Isabelle, was diagnosed while young and learned to acquire a "systematic guise of social norms" as she calls it. She feels that the real her has long become a stranger and both envies and pities River due to her decision to "remain an outcast." It is not uncommon for girls and women with the disorder to "become chameleons" and try to blend in, thus masking the presence of Asperger's Syndrome and the related needs and difficulties that come with it.
To my fellow autistics, I ask this: Are you more of a River or an Isabelle? There are advantages and disadvantages to both approaches that work (or don't) for people of different temperaments and experiences. Through my arrangement, I said more than I ever could have in my entire history of blogging. If someone were to tell me to describe a life with Asperger's Syndrome/autism/PDD (I use these terms interchangeably in reference to myself.), I would use this arrangement to do it. I'd do it somehow without any words.
