The Story on The Mighty That Finally Made Me Cry

I read this pre-surgery account on The Mighty and it resonated with me. I regularly peruse the site in hopes that one account would genuinely bring me to tears. I had no such luck until I found this particular post I have never undergone any surgery except for getting my wisdom teeth out nor have I ever had to make preparations for someone else's major surgery, but the overall theme and tone managed to pierce my heavily-guarded heart.

Kerri Goff, choleric mother to melancholic 11 year old Shea, enters "survival mode", as she calls it, in response to crisis. Though crisis appears to not to pierce the barbed-wire hearts of cholerics, it has managed to infiltrate Kerri's defenses. Her pragmatic nature took over and kicked her emotions to the curb, which is characteristic of a choleric under stress. She purchased the dance recital costume for Shea to not discourage her strength and determination and gave a pep talk to Shea in order to "help" and "motivate" her. Seeing as how cholerics value these traits, Kerri projected a "tough girl" image and expected Shea, a melancholic, to brush the dust off, plough through the disappointment with no emotion, and otherwise respond like a choleric.

Upon hearing that she would be unable to participate in the recital due to her upcoming surgery, Shea cried out of fear and frustration as is customary for melancholics. The words "Shea, come on kiddo, be tough, OK" stirred her heart and brought a host of worries and disappointments to the surface when they were intended to encourage. A melancholic needs an empathetic ear and a loyal shoulder to cry on when they call on others in times of crisis. Her dance teacher, most likely another melancholic, provided these words her choleric mother could not:

"No. It is okay to cry and it is okay to be sad that you're not participating in the ballet performance."

"Shea, it is okay to cry and it is okay not to be strong. It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling."

Melancholics are emotional, sensitive idealists. What grazes the skin of another will deeply cut someone of this temperament. When they cannot meet their standards, they lament and need someone to validate their concerns instead of dismissing their emotions and responding to a challenge. Upon recognizing that Shea's melancholic response was not a sign of weakness, Kerri allowed her choleric heart to soften and she said:

“Baby, I am so sorry, your teacher is right. It is OK to feel disappointed, sad and scared about this surgery and all of the inconveniences it is causing. I feel all of those things too, but sometimes I don’t show it because I want to be strong for you and Daddy and your brother. Shea, I love you and I am here for you if you want to talk about how you are feeling. You do not have to be strong all of the time, and neither do I. Shea, it is OK to feel.”

Though the article had not a smattering of explicit relevance to temperament theory, it illustrated the idea of temperaments interacting better than Keirsey, the Arnos, LaHaye, or Galen ever could. Naturally, people expect others to act the way they do; adapting to the needs of others takes a conscious effort. A pragmatic, forceful choleric, though with good intentions, can end up hurting a sensitive, emotional melancholic when responding to high levels of stress in "survival mode." 

This article is a fine example of expecting others to respond like someone of our temperament would and adapting once one recognizes the temperamental differences in others. At the same time, meeting someone else's needs allows needs that one would not consider to be fulfilled. Despite their unemotional nature, cholerics still need to and allow themselves to feel. Melancholics internalize their emotions and feel deeply, yet one may never see the extent to which they feel. With her tears, Shea uncorked the emotional storm before it could ravage her soul as it had Kerri's.

I, being both melancholic and choleric, could identify with both of their responses. I punch a pillow, distract myself with a task, then get on with my life like a choleric, yet I feel intensely and respond with tears like a melancholic. I tend to wet my homework with tears, yet, repressing my urge to throw myself on an article of furniture and sob, I do it. This post reminded me of what I have failed to do in the midst of life's chaos: to stop, allow my melancholic side to take over, and feel.

"And if\You keep talking to me\Through this darkness, through this night\I'll be alright"--Jump, Laura Shigihara

P.S. If you need to feel, read the article while listening to "Jump" by Laura Shigihara.