Swagbucks

I am referring you guys to a service called Swagbucks which allows you to play games, search the Internet, answer surveys, watch videos, and shop online--and earn Swagbucks while you do it. Swagbucks are redeemable for gift cards to iTunes, Amazon, and even to give to charity. If you use my referral link, you will start out with 300 Swagbucks, enough for a $3 gift card. It doesn’t cost anything to register for Swagbucks. 

The link in text is:

http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/FlutistPride

Loving Yourself and Loving the Process of Change

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. For that reason, take my words with a grain of salt.

Body positivity campaigns have received backlash for seeming to promote unhealthy lifestyles by telling others to love their bodies. While the campaigns can come off that way, I think they address the subject of loving yourself, but avoid addressing loving the process of change. Some people think of the two ideas as mutually exclusive (e.g. "If you want to change, you must hate some part of yourself.") However, that is not true. It is the opposite, actually.

Telling people to hate themselves is the quickest way to prevent them from wanting to change. It encourages apathy and combativeness with regard to improvement. Promoting self-hatred can serve as a breeding ground for self-destructive behaviors, anhedonia, and hatred of others. If it fosters any desired change, the changes come with no desire or pleasure. Such changes are craved in excess and, in this case, may lead to the development of an eating disorder.

This is not limited to body image. This concept is prevalent in arts, athletics, and a myriad of other practices. I'm sure Galway learned how to love the process of change as well as himself as a young flutist. The key to this process is to be content with where you are, but not settle for it. Keep wanting more from yourself. If you cannot go any further at that point, take a break and look back positively at your progress.

The thing to say to yourself (if that kind of thing works for you) is "I like myself where am, but what will happen if I improve a little?" Make those small positive speculations and then make them reality. That always comes by starting small. If your goal is to add a block to your route for a month, walk that extra block with pride. If it's to jog your normal route, jog your heart out! If it's to even find a route in the first place, map it out.

Work out this goal at your pace on your time at your intensity level. People possess a wide variety of temperaments, cognitive processes, value sets, and, thus, motivations. Some people are motivated by outdoing others; others prefer to outdo themselves. Yet another group is interested in outdoing no one and just wants to avoid conflict while another is more interested in having fun. Some people are intrinsically motivated always, with others it varies, and others just simply aren't. Find out what motivates you, in a healthy way of course.

What do YOU think allows you to love yourself and love the process of change?

Weird Dream?????? An Analysis

The Dream
I had a dream that I was ordering makeup brushes online and that the package arrived. I did not know where I was ordering them from (either Amazon or some borderline deep web Milanoo front). I distinctly remember that they were Artis brush dupes. There was no transition between the order and getting my package. I don't remember opening the package. I just remember trying out the brushes only to find out that they were horrible and scratchy. The brushes felt like I was dragging bundles of splinters across my face.

The Context
I had my heart set on a particular set of Artis brush dupes. It was the cheapest, so I'd thought I'd buy it. However, the vendor seemed a bit sketchy. I kept looking at this brush set and watching others try similar brushes. I lost my other brushes and decided I want to upgrade anyway. I was self-loathing and overwhelmed at the time. I ended up splurging on a slightly more expensive set ($23) rather than the $16 set. I get ten (10) brushes with each set.

The Meaning
I took this as a warning not to buy the brushes. Generally, when I dream especially vividly, I take it as a prompt or warning of some sort. Given that the context was fairly obvious, I decided to spend seven extra dollars for my peace of mind. It could be a sign that I will no longer be able to present a polished version of myself and, instead, be forced to show the flaws I've tried so hard to conceal. Alternatively, it represents my dissatisfaction with the world, like anything I try to do will be meaningless.

Happy Birthday to MEEEEE!!!!!

Guess who's 16 today! I'm working on my arrangement of Seasonal Feathers and planning to cover it soon. Tell me in the comments if you want me to play as Rin, Len, or both.

Please enjoy this saxophone quartet arrangement of Find the Pieces.
The sheet music is available here.

Nothing Good to Do, Just Bored to Death

Song: World's End Dancehall

Artist: wowoka (Vocals by SirHamnet and JubyPhonic)

Language: English (Original is in Japanese)

(The song reminds me of ESTPs' interactions with INFJs. INFJs want to think deeply, but ESTPs just want to take your hand and steal you away.)

Me On the Internet:

Se: Hey, I found something cool!

Ti: Let's find out more!

Fe: Who else would benefit from this knowledge?

Ni: How in the world did I get here?

I am interested in these lolita pieces:
This cute casual OP
This sublime beauty
This red and gold awesomeness
Of course, I'll need a piano purse to go with it.
Or this one

My Kawaii Revolution: On Strength

Question: Which one person, out of this list, would I consider my role model?

A. Temple Grandin

B. Misako Aoki

C. Edward Abbey

D. Laura Shigihara

The correct answer is B-Misako Aoki. Misako Aoki is a nurse and a lolita fashion model. She is presumably able-bodied and neurotypical. (Misako does not discuss about her disability status with the Internet.) As far as temperament, I would say she is an ESFJ because she practically radiates Fe and Si.  

I bet most of you were taken aback by my choice. Misako Aoki does not fit the typical disability role model mold, but she has heavily influenced not only the way I advocate, but the way I choose my coping methods. Misako unabashedly embraces her style and expresses it wholeheartedly. Others may find her weird or frivolous because she dresses in lolita fashion, but there is nothing frivolous about loving yourself. In a society where conformity is valued, Misako, who technically fits the definition of "normal", chooses to defy it with frills. She had an "advantage" in society and discarded it in favor of belonging to her own community. Can we, who are forced out of the norm by birth, not find our strength in the same?

For those of you who don't know, lolita is a Japanese street fashion that draws inspiration from the Victorian and Rococo periods as well as the Japanese kawaii "cute" esthetic. Lolita fashion emphasizes modesty, innocence, youthfulness, quality, and taste; the fashion emerged as a rebellion against over-sexualization of women in fashion. It has NOTHING to do with the Western definition of lolita, so do NOT trust your computer's built-in dictionary for this one. The fashion's main focus is dressing for one's self rather than for others. Lolita does more, however, than cover the body. It shows the mind. 

Misako Aoki influenced my approach to being autistic more than other autistic people. She is a genuinely kind, gracious, and humorous person and that, in itself, is worth emulating. I am proud to say that Misako Aoki is my role model. Never trenchant in her ways, Misako asserts and expresses herself by wearing frilly dresses and treating other people kindly. She does not need to conform to conventional images of strength in order to be strong. I surround myself with cute and elegant images simply because they make me happy. Misako Aoki taught me to embrace this part of myself.

Being cute does not mean that I am not powerless. Keep in mind that kawaii is an aesthetic, not an existence, although some people do adopt a kawaii lifestyle. I do not need to act or dress a certain way in order to indicate that I am a strong person. The kawaii esthetic makes me feel good about myself and who I am and many others would agree. If that is not a valid enough reason for you to "get" the kawaii esthetic, I don't know what will be.

If you find this esthetic stifling, then don't use it. However, I personally find it very empowering. The nature of lolita and the kawaii esthetic in general is best described as "intensely gentle." In small doses, kawaii elements are non-confrontational. In large amounts, however, they are very conspicuous and inspire admiration, envy, and/or hatred depending on your audience. The kawaii esthetic is not for everyone and I can respect that. However, it is for me. It suits me. If I need to act and dress a certain way to be strong, then that's not true strength at all.

Random, Incoherent Hodgepodge

Health Warning: The video contains a host of seizure triggers.

Trigger Warning: Rolling Girl contains suicide themes. 

Depression killed my concentration.

This song accurately describes my experiences with anxiety-induced depression. One more time, I roll for another day down the same slope knowing that it hurts me, but it's the only way I can block out the pain that lingers in the corners of my mind. I keep uttering platitudes in response to how I feel. "I'm just fine" with a smile on my face is my primary defense. In theory, I will "baseline" and not be able to feel it anymore. I'm getting help, but, today, I'll keep rolling for another day.

 

Song Rolling Girl

Artist: Hatsune Miku

Language: Japanese 

Extroverted thinking (Te) seems to be an unwelcome function in the online disability community. Saying things like "See past labels" and "I am more than a spreadsheet" makes Te doms (EN/STJs) in the online disability community feel alienated and out of place. Label and data aversion takes away the Te dom's primary way of understanding the world, which is an example of temperamental discrimination. 

• I feel like nothing matters anymore, not even school. I don't even feel like arranging music or playing my flute.
• I'm vacillating between ENTP and ENTJ again.
• I felt like using Verdana and random colors here.
• The above text is not made to be readable.
• I'm still in Verdana.
• How did I get to this thought?
• Really?
• I get *very* annoyed when people misuse the term "neurodiversity". 
• As for vocal range, I think I'm an alto.
• I can sing, just not well. 
• Now, I'm typing in bright pink.
• The end.    

The Doctor (Alternatively: Through Tears and Bleary Eyes)

Image Description: A doctor with their hand over their face as if in pain. A stethoscope dangles haphazardly from the doctor's hand.

 A child came in screaming in pain
Hoping that I'd fix his leg.
Through tears and bleary eyes, he said
"Doctor, it hurts more than I can bear.
I wish it wouldn't. It isn't fair.
Doctor, can you fix my leg
So I can run and jump and play?"
And I said "Yes, I can."
And so I fixed his leg.

A woman came in with her X-rays
Knowing she'd need to count her days.
Through tears and bleary eyes, she said
"Doctor, this is more than I can bear.
This isn't right, This isn't fair.
Doctor, do I have many days
So with my children I can play?"
And I said "Yes, you do."
Away I filed the X-rays.

A man came in and a smile feigned
So only I could know his pain.
Through tears and bleary eyes, he said
"Doctor, it's more than I can bear.
This isn't right; nor is it fair.
Doctor, I fear I cannot live
To see my wife's face and my children's grins."
And I said "Yes, you can,"
But he died the next day.

Alone in my home, I screamed aloud.
My own pain came over like a shroud.
"Yes, it's more than I can bear.
It isn't right. It isn't fair.
My soul hurts deeply from life's wrongs
Why's it I who must be strong?"
Then someone knocked and said to me
The words I needed all along.

"I know you have a broken soul
That hurts much worse than what I know.
No cast or tonic can mend your ills,
Not syrups or shots, not IVs or pills.
Here I have come to call you home
And tell you that you're not alone."
And on that day, my pain had ceased.
The child I met was hugging me.

Image Credit: Healthfinch.com

Which Musical Misadventures in Minecraft Character Are You?

I can't think of a clever tagline. Go to my other blog if you want more information about my characters.

1. How do you approach life?
1. One exciting dragon slaying adventure after another!
2. Trying to be perfect
3. Meeting a lot of new people and having fun
4. I'm just along for the ride.
2. Describe your combat style.
1. Hit your enemy with a sword until they die. Don't bother with plans because it's combat and not math class.
2. First, carefully plan your attack. Once you have adequately formulated your plan, climb into a tree, spot your target, wait for the right moment, aim, and shoot. Repeat as needed.
3. Taunt your opponent with a hit-and-run method. Change between ranged and close combat as needed and look amazing while you're at it.
4. Rig certain areas with redstone TNT traps. Watch your enemies explode and burn. If necessary, use a bow or sword to kill off the stragglers.
3. Someone gave you a compliment on your music! What do you think inside upon receiving it?
1. It's time someone recognized me for being the superior to the others.
2. There's no way I deserve this! I was terrible.
3. You are awesome too. I love positive feedback.
4. Oh, for me? Thanks, but I (dismissive remark here).
4. Which best describes how you respond to things you dislike?
1. Door-slamming, wall-punching, explosive RAGE!!!!!!!
2. Crying, anxiety, sulking, and an overall mood low that lasts practically FOREVER
3. Oh no! Everyone hates me!!!! (Ends up getting over it in a day)
4. I'll just put up with it.
5. In a four-member team, you are:
1. Leading. What else would I do?
2. Assisting the leader in his/her decision making
3. Keeping morale high and bonds tight
4. The medic, the white mage, the nice guy/girl
6. Pick a Laura Shigihara song.
1. Faster
2. Look Up at the Sky
3. From the Ground Up
4. First Day
7. Do you fret over minutia (small details)?
1. No. They won't matter in the grand scheme of things
2. Yes! Small things are important, you know.
3. It depends on my mood.
4. No. It takes too much energy.
8. Your social -version is...
1. Extroverted Ambivert
2. Introvert
3. Extrovert
4. Introverted Ambivert
9.  Are you prone to crying?
1. Not really, but some things just get to me--and very few things get to me.
2. Yes. Very. D,:
3. If I have a good reason, yes.
4. Kind of. 
10. Pick a weapon.
1. Sword
2. Bow
3. Axe
4. Redstone
11. What was your attitude towards this quiz?
1. Skimming and picking things that are like me
2. Carefully pondering each answer
3. Personality tests are fun!:D
4. Fumbling my way through...

If you answered mostly 1s, you are the most like Steve. You are courageous, persistent, and love a good fight. Others admire your natural confidence and charisma, but that does not mean that you are not without a set of faults and foibles, such as explosive rage, impulsivity, and appearing insensitive. However, you go where no one else bothers to poke their head and usually end up succeeding due to your daring and audacious ways.

If you answered mostly 2s, you are the most like Caitlin. You are thoughtful, conscientious, and self-sacrificing. Others envy your organizational skills, talent, and selflessness, but you are often quick to deny the thought of anyone envying you. It is easy for you to become discouraged and, thus, drown in your own fear. Since you are prone to denying your worth, your multitude of talents often pass under your watchful eye. Your considerate nature and perfectionist eye often see what remains hidden to the others.

If you answered mostly 3s, you are the most like Alex. You are charming, genuine, and welcome the world with open arms. Others envy your persuasive words and expressive mannerisms, but your quick tongue sometimes speeds ahead of your mind and gets you into trouble. However, when you learn to control your tongue, you become an effective leader and promoter in whatever your field is--and have fun while you're at it.

If you answered mostly 4s, you are the most like Adrian. You are helpful, easygoing, and are careful not to say or do the wrong thing. Others envy your patience and calm, collected aura, which you retain even under extreme stress. However, others tend to see you as lazy or indifferent, even when you are passionate about something. This is probably due to your fear of coming off too strongly. When you do manage to step out, however, others will listen because they know you raise your voice for what matters.

My Results Are:
1. 1
2. 1
3. 3
4. 1
5. 1
6. 1
7. 3
8. 1
9. 3
10. 1
11. 1

Steve: 8
Caitlin: 0
Alex: 3
Adrian: 0

I am the most like Steve, somewhat like Alex, and not at all like Caitlin or Adrian. Which are you?

My Geisha Costume

Just So You Know
 
Geisha is a job, not a stereotype. Geisha are Japanese hostesses trained in dance, entertaining, tea ceremony, and traditional instruments. Training can start as young as middle school age and debuting occurs at age 15 or 18 depending on location.

This costume is not totally accurate. For one, I am missing an obi. I used the sash that came with the robe, which I could not tie correctly. I also used Halloween store face paint instead of authentic geisha makeup and I am missing several minute details.

Me in a red robe with cherry blossom detailing and scenes of geisha casually talking with my hair in a bun, white face paint, and red lipstain. I am coyly posed as if I were a real geisha.