Joy and Anhedonia

Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on Earth. Colossians 3:2

As you may or may not know, I am a Christian. God has been prodding me in the back to write something for Him, so here you go.

Because of God, I can be joyful, even in the midst of anhedonia. Anhedonia is the inability or reduced ability  to feel pleasure. Joy is defined as an intense feeling of pleasure. This combination is contradictory from a secular standpoint. However, joy has a different meaning for Christians. Joy is a kind of transcendent spiritual contentment that can only come from God. It is beyond what any possible mental illness I might have can take away from me. 

I am not promoting anhedonia in any way. It robs me of pleasure and makes me, for the most part, apathetic, lazy, and feeling like I'm tired all the time. However, God gives me the strength to pull through, even on days when I don't feel like it. Setting my mind on things above helps me to focus on God and not my current state of mind. I asked "God, why did you rob me of my passion?" when I woke up anhedonic, but then I remembered that the Lord gives and takes away, but will never take my faith. Anhedonia allowed me to reflect on my spiritual life instead of pursuing the things of the world. 

Though I really want God to take this away, at the same time, I am, at the same time, grateful that I had the opportunity to connect with God without any sense of pleasure to distract me. It is during the times that I have nothing when God reminds me that He is everything. Anhedonia has taken its toll on me, but I know that God can save me from this mess. If not, I will still choose to believe because God is the only viable source of hope I have. I don't know if this will end or if it will end, but I trust God and that's all that really matters.

Relevant Bible Verses (All are from the ESV Bible)

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Song: Fall Apart

Artist: Josh Wilson

Language: English

What Is Anhedonia Not?

Anhedonia is the inability or a reduced ability to feel pleasure. This can be (mis)interpreted as many things. This is purely empirically-based and not based on science.

• A character strength. Anhedonia robbed me of the passion that drives me to do well. It makes me apathetic and unfocused. Please do not praise me for "having the strength/discipline" to be anhedonic. Most of the time, I'm trying just to get by. 
• A character flaw. Anhedonia is not garden-variety laziness. Because of anhedonia, I want to do nothing. I don't even want to have fun. It is this parasite that robs me of pleasure. Anhedonia is not just a negative mindset. 
• A natural emotional orientation such as temperament. Every temperament has some source of pleasure and, even within a temperament, those sources vary. Feeling no pleasure for extended periods of time is not healthy or natural regardless of temperament.
• A choice. One day, I woke up. My chocolate coffee tasted like sludge. My music arrangements just sounded like sound instead of music. My teachers' voices sounded boring and flat when they were stimulating before. I crawled into bed and fell asleep at the end of the day. Do you honestly think I would choose to live like this?
• Laziness. Laziness means that one puts minimal effort into their day. Anhedonia means that I need to exert myself more in order to actually do stuff. I still feel compulsive urges to do things even though I don't have the energy to motivate myself to do them. 

I would have put more items, but, in my anhedonic state, even writing is tedious. 

Anhedonia In a Song

I cannot bring myself to actually write something, so here you go.

Song: Je ne veux pas travaillier 

Artist: Pink Martini

Language: French 

Translated lyrics are here

Basically, what the song says is "I don't want to work. I don't want to eat. Flowers make me sick." That honestly reflects how I feel right now.

Possible Anhedonia

Anhedonia: An inability or reduced ability to feel pleasure

I've haven't bothered updating my blog lately because I have lately felt that I do not as much feel pleasure or motivation from blogging...or anything else for that matter. I don't feel like focusing in school or any other area of my life. It is taking me a great deal of energy to crank out a few sentences for something I used to be able to enjoy.

I still feel small spikes of pleasure from things I enjoy, such as playing the flute. I listened to some music that I had arranged and, instead of feeling proud, I felt nothing. I just heard some sounds. Since I love all aspects of music, not being moved by it is a foreign sensation to me. The words that I so cherish have become...just words. I also ran through my solo and ensemble piece, the vibrato just sounding jagged and harsh instead of having its usual sublime resonance.

The fact that I can actually bring myself to do things and to them reasonably well mystifies me. I guess that pseudo-motivation is a temperamental thing, but I definitely feel more apathetic than usual. I continue about my life du jour en jour and even the most wonderful things, to me, just do not feel good to me.