Did We Really Choose it Right Saying We're Okay This Way?

What does a teacher see when writing grades into their gradebook? Perhaps they see intellect. Perhaps they see effort. They might even see a student's interest or the lack thereof in their particular field. A student's "good" and "bad" days might be apparent in the numbers. The distribution of their students' intelligences related to the subject as well as trends and patterns can be found in the string of numbers called grades.

Much information can be milked from strings of numbers. However, numbers can only tell so much. Guess the students' emotional states, life circumstances, and what's on their hearts. Good luck doing that. You might assume that the students with okay grades are doing okay, but that's not always true! Likewise, the kid you envy for achieving milestones every minute could be the one hating themselves at the end of the day for not doing more. Your colleague/classmate who always seems to get awards could be the one thinking in the back of their mind "It's all meaningless".

Depression does not discriminate. It doesn't care about your age, gender, temperament, occupation, race, previous disability status, or anything else. Look around you for the clinically depressed people. Chances are, unless you're a very skilled psychologist, you can't spot them at a glance. You didn't think it would be the choleric-sanguine overachiever or the easygoing, almost universally-loved sanguine-phlegmatic. The analytical melancholic-phlegmatic never quite content with themselves seemed more likely. Maybe you were almost certain it was the brooding melancholic-choleric. Depression is not exclusive to predominantly melancholic temperaments.

It's nonfiction. Find the one who dyed their red heart to black. It might even be you. It doesn't do you any good to mask it with achievements; you will only fail wanting more and more until you get sucked into a black hole of stress. No one is too talented, too privileged, or too bubbly to suffer from depression. There is no temperament, MBTI type, IQ, or enneagram type immune to depression. No GPA financial standing, sports team position, chair in a musical ensemble, or social status is viable armor against such a thing. Talent or the lack thereof is not an indicator of depression either.

I watched a video about a pianist with no hands. Some people would call him inspirational. I call him an excellent and dedicated musician. Music tends to attract self-critical people, so I wonder if, behind his very well-coordinated limbs, lies a mind telling him that he will never be good enough, that he is just a gimmick made to please the small-minded masses. Part of me wonders if he worries that children like him are pressured by their parents to hone their talents in the hopes of emulating him. Does he ever want to quit out of fear of never meeting his standards?

What about the anxiety-ridden student who drops out of an opportunity for an academic honor saying "It's not for me"? Why is this student dismissed as weak and a quitter while the pianist is almost venerated? That student probably worked up as much courage to say "It's not for me" as, if not more than, the pianist gathered to perform. The brain is a physical member of the body that undergoes physical processes to keep the rest of our body functioning. Why is it that sensible, reasonable people who would never make fun of cancer would not hesitate to poke fun at a mental illness?

Again, did we really choose it right saying we're okay this way? Depression affects overachievers, average achievers, and underachievers alike. It affects a variety of people regardless of where they come from. Even without a mental illness, everyone is fighting a hard battle. It is not anyone's right to invalidate another person's experiences and hardships just because they think their or another person's problems are worse.

Song: Lost One's Weeping (slower piano version)
Artist: Neru (Dub by JubyPhonic)
Language: English dubbed from Japanese
Instrumental: Wing (Link is here)

I'm Having a Terrible Day

I feel absolutely horrible for no rational reason. I ate adequately, slept well, didn't fail anything too badly today, and yet I still feel like dirt.

Self-affirmation doesn't work, not at all. I tried telling myself I was great and that I had a lot of potential each day. However, the entire time, I felt like I was lying to myself. I felt like I was trying to be someone other than myself, like I was masking my anxiety and depression rather than actually dealing with it.

I don't have the energy to do much. I have a thousand ideas on what to write and no way to execute them.  Please enjoy the random song.

No Thank You Translyrics

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.
Go bother someone else.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.

I'm sick of daily life.
I am wallowing in all this frustration.
And in the train again, I feel like something died inside me.

I overslept today, but somehow made it to work on time.
And my headphones are entwined. 
I'm sick of everything!

Little troubles, traffic, and I hate Mondays.
Inbox full of junk and it's raining again.
My hair looks really bad.
I forgot something again.
My phone died
And I spilled my coffee. What now?
Selfish people, gossiping, and I have missed my train.
Miswrote something, stomach hurting, people's angry yells.
Inconvenient phone calls, crowds are everywhere.
And to all of them, this I say:

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.
Go bother someone else.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.

Even getting used to daily life,
I am wallowing in all this frustration.
I left my umbrella at home.

I overslept today, but somehow made it to work on time.
My pen ran out of ink. I'm sick of everything!

Little troubles, traffic, and I hate Mondays.
Inbox full of junk and it's raining again.
My hair looks really bad.
I forgot something again.
My phone died
And I spilled my coffee. What now?
Selfish people, gossiping, and I have missed my train.
Miswrote something, stomach hurting, people's angry yells.
Inconvenient phone calls, crowds are everywhere.
And to all of them, this I say:

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.
Go bother someone else.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.
Go bother someone else.

No thank you, I have had enough.
No thank you, I have had enough today.
No thank you, I have had enough.

Song: No Thank You

Artist: Hatsune Miku

Language: Japanese

Milestone Envy

I know you may have envied me
Just through what I've posted on this screen.
There's something I want you to know
About my many milestones.

I fall and hurt and sometimes cry
At things you might be asking "Why?".
Not all battles can be seen;
Some we fight internally.

The steps and take I words I say
Sometimes leave me lost, astray.
Some things I said I now regret,
Even thoughts I've not thought yet.

Those who are bright shine with appeal
To people who don't know how it feels
To perpetually burn inside
Despite every onlooker's pride.

You say that I do many things
And feel pain at wounds they bring,
But achievement only goes so far.
They never come without their scars.

I regret all the times I have
Been afraid and turned my back
On many opportunities
That benefits I'd surely reap.

Sometimes, I wish I'd have done more
Because life seems to have a score.
I don't know how how to win this game:
By money? Power? Status? Fame?

I guess it's all the same to you,
But milestones won't cure the blues.
Envy poisons, robs, deprives,
Souls of happy, healthy, lives.

So when you see a trophy's gleam,
Be careful, stop, and really think.
Awards are rarely what they seem
And even more rarely what they mean.

Take It

So you want to be gifted? Please, take it.
Take my talents.
Take the words that flow from my fingers.
Take my ability to acquire languages.
Take the nuances I notice in various words.
Take it.
Take it all.
Take my self-awareness,
The feeling that I'm not really that smart
And that I need to do more.
Take my anxiety
And the feelings I take on
From collectives.
Take my view of the human race
How we're nothing but selfish
With none but our own interests.
Take the feeling of wanting to do something
But having not the power or means to do anything.
Take everything.
Take it. You wanted it.
Because I don't anymore.

Classroom Bystander Translyrics

This is my first attempt at writing original translyrics. Concrit is welcome. Hate is not. Feel free to use them if you want to make a dub!

Lately, all the social rules have just changed.
Fitting in or blending? It's all the same.
But I can't keep up, so this ever-changing system leaves me all alone.
It's because I'm a hated "loner boy", so
Rapid fire glances translate to "Who cares?"

This, every day, such a lonely place.
It's so unfair.

Just so no one will bother with me,
Very quietly, I opened up my text
Which raised a question I bet no one asks:
Exactly what is the reason for which
I am still alive?

It came all too soon. Before I knew, I grew
Into the kind of person with all the excuses in the world:
The "adult" I hate, just an anhedonic robot, but then I knew
That I'm a coward and, because,
Since I don't even marginally like who I am,
I will
I will
Quietly stop my breathing.

And every time I hurt another person,
The same pain I feel shortly after
And when the pain proves to be too much, then I
Can't tell anyone because I'm too scared.
And the weakness that prevents my rescue,
I don't know how to shake this feeling.

And since I cannot get rid of it, I just drag it.
And that's how it works, It's the way the world works.
Look around and get the feeling
That someone's hating me, thinking lowly of me.
I wear earbuds to try and tune it out.
They will just ignore me if I just pretend I'm unaware?

Underneath the great blue sky and all its clarity,
In a collective so diverse, surely I'm the only one truly alone.
And what they say, that we all have each other, it's all just a lie.

I draw these straight lines trying, but
No matter what
I cannot draw them neatly and this irritates me.

I'm sure
I'm sure
That I'm the one at fault.

In this class, we just learn these things
Solely for the sake of learning them.
So useless.

It came all too soon. Before I knew, I grew
Into the kind of person with all the excuses in the world:
The "adult" I hate, just an anhedonic robot, but then I knew
That I'm a coward and, because,
Then someone asked.
You are like that too?
I think we'll be allies and fight side by side.
I'm sure.
I'm sure.
'Cause more
And more
And more
People worse than me than better off exist.

Below is the original. I do not own Kagamine Len or Neru.

 Song: Classroom Bystander

Artist: Kagamine Len

Language: Japanese

Why Was Passing for Normal Important?

"I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail."--Abraham Maslow

Lovaas's ABA ran under the logic that an external change in behavior imparted an internal change, which, in theory, could make the recipient less (reason they're going through it in the first place). This method became popular in treating autistic children in order to make them less autistic. Of course we all know that normality-oriented therapy is time-consuming,  expensive, exhausting, harmful, ineffective, and backed the toxic idea that you need to look and act a certain way in order to be worthy of your inalienable rights (life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness). Now those rights aren't so inalienable, are they?

My question is why normality was so important in the past. Is it because not much was known about autism and like disorders or because conformity is so deeply seated in the world's traditions that some people think it is the only way to deal with things? Why was it that appearing normal trumped the recipient's health? I have been to the blogs of several others who have gone through similar therapies to Lovaas ABA. Many of them cited depression, anxiety, and PTSD as a result of conformity therapy. Were these consequences not forseeable by practicioners and parents? Or were they so daunted by the idea of helping people love themselves and function to the fullest extent possible that they just decided to take the easy route with conformity therapy?

Since there is a Lovaas center close to me, I decided to go on their website and read Bryce's case. Bryce was disinterested in structured play and toys. What mystified me was why his parents didn't bother to find reasons for these things other than "Oh, he's autistic and needs to be fixed.". Structured play could have caused Bryce anxiety or another form of distress. The website cited that Bryce's "tantrums" were an issue throughout the therapy. Bryce was protesting in the way he knew how. Would you protest in the way you knew how if you were forced to be someone you're not? I definitely would. However, that's not what disturbs me the most.

The aftermath of the therapy is meant to be happy, but I interpreted it otherwise. On the website it says "he laughs at the little boy tantrumming on the screen when shown old footage of his first few days in treatment." What I got from that statement is that Bryce acquired trained arrogance due to being "cured" of his autism. I worry how Bryce will treat other people in the future, if he will grow into the same vapid, ignorant "adult" I hate. I worry that he will come to look down on others who do need an aide or who cannot/will not maintain a neurotypical image. The juxtaposition of the four year old melting down in a video and the second grader laughing at him makes for a troubling contrast.

My speculation is: What if that boy was not a projected image, but a living, breathing human being?  Would he have stood up for the child or laughed as he laughed at himself? I feel more troubled and reviled at where he is now rather than hopeful. How does a story like this induce feelings of hope in some, concern in few, and revulsion in others with little else in between? Life holds many questions and very few answers. I have no answer as to why conformity therapy even came into fruition or continues to exist, but its results leave me disgusted and confused rather than comforted and hopeful.

What do you think? Do you have other questions about conformity therapy? Do you agree or disagree with my points? Have I brought any new things to consider? 

Song: A Realistic Logical Ideologist
Artist:ゴボウメン (English Dub by JubyPhonic)
Language: English dubbed from Japanese

Song: Classroom Bystander
Artist: Kagamine Len
Language: Japanese