Blogger Widgets Ender-Chan's Thoughts: Goodbye

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Goodbye

I thought I'd get this one last statement out. Thank you for believing in me, even when I couldn't bring myself to do so. It's been a pleasure living, but not so much lately. I can't do anything right. For every one thing I do well, I utterly ruin ten things. Unfortunately, the things I do well at are not viable methods of success in life, nor are they strong or numerous enough that I can make them so.

I've decided that ending my life is the best thing I can do. I do not necessarily advocate this, but I weighed the options and this is the best, most viable choice for me. Don't mourn for me. Don't celebrate my "achievements". Don't continue my work and legacy and, thus, doom yourself to failure. Just forget about me and move on with your life as if I never existed. If you want to do something for me, meet me in Heaven.

This is not your fault. I would assume that you all have friends that would stick to you no matter what. I have no such people. People come in and go out of my life like the wind. They are all just monochrome puppets and media monkeys. The guise of good grades make them appear intelligent. They can read the balanced equations on the blackboard with ease, but they cannot see that their ignorance has killed me a thousand times over rounding to the nearest half.

Please do not blame autism or ADHD for this. There are many people with the same disorders who are useful, productive people unlike me. I'm tired of taking up space in people's lives and being an impedance to their progress. I can tell they're tired of me too. They leave me to listen as a bystander instead of inviting me to actively participate in their discussion. If they have enough of something for all but one, I'm the one left out. It's been clear that they want me out of their hair and I am honoring their request with the last bit of the decency I have left.

There's a lot I could have done. I could have made it through the rest of high school, went to college, and been a band teacher. However, I could have let my future students down time after time. I could have composed horrible pieces that no band would want to play. I could have ended up in a downhill spiral into hurting others and myself attempting to numb the pain that afflicts me. It's not worth the risk, I've decided. Do not mourn for me since I have no quality worthy of mourning. I've already given you guys enough grief.

So, with that, goodbye. For good. Forever.

Song: Tokyo Teddy Bear
Artist: Kagamine Rin (Dub by JubyPhonic)
Language: English Dubbed from Japanese



11 comments:

  1. Anna....
    You are gifted, talented, definitely not a failure, loved.... Beautifully Unique.... God has a special place on this planet for you.... Not in Heaven, not yet!! God has plans for your Life!! ;)
    To quote Bruce Springsteen.... "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay ALIVE"!! ;-D
    Love you later, Raelyn
    PS. If this comment is too late.... Then.... Goodbye, Friend. You will truly be missed.... :-(

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    Replies
    1. I just discovered your blog...I think you're one if the most unique voices out there...and you are obviously very YOUNG!!! These things both make life --for now--excruciating! but if there's someone I would put money on making life better for lots and lots of people it would be you!! You already have with this blog... so it's a sure bet!!

      I am praying this was just a test and a cry for help...you really wil be missed by your online readers alone (and I know folks must love you however cimplicatedly in real life too!).

      Don't make a permanent solution to what is clearly a temporary problem (the hormonal and social hell that is being a neuroqueer teenager). It is hard as hell but please persist.. life changes so drastically I promise!

      We love you!!

      --stranger who's read your blog twice and thinks you're powerful and brilliant

      Delete
    2. You don't owe it to me but I would love to know you're ok and I'm sure your other readers would too...

      Delete
    3. I just discovered your blog...I think you're one if the most unique voices out there...and you are obviously very YOUNG!!! These things both make life --for now--excruciating! but if there's someone I would put money on making life better for lots and lots of people it would be you!! You already have with this blog... so it's a sure bet!!

      I am praying this was just a test and a cry for help...you really wil be missed by your online readers alone (and I know folks must love you however cimplicatedly in real life too!).

      Don't make a permanent solution to what is clearly a temporary problem (the hormonal and social hell that is being a neuroqueer teenager). It is hard as hell but please persist.. life changes so drastically I promise!

      We love you!!

      --stranger who's read your blog twice and thinks you're powerful and brilliant

      Delete
    4. Anna....
      "You're one of the most unique voices out there...and you are obviously very YOUNG!!! These things both make life --for now--excruciating! but if there's someone I would put money on making life better for lots and lots of people it would be you!!" I agree!! ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

      Delete
    5. Anna....
      "You don't owe it to me but I would love to know you're ok and I'm sure your other readers would too..." Yes, please!! ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

      Delete
  2. Anna, you are a wonderful, smart, surely not a pathetic, lovely person. I really hope this isn't too late because I really had thought of you as a friend and I will truly miss you if this is too late. I'm starting to cry actually as I'm writing this because I really hope it's not too late. You have a special place on this earth and your here for a reason. You have a place in heaven but not yet!! If this is too late, goodbye my friend, I will truly miss you and remember you fondly.

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    Replies
    1. Anna....
      "I really had thought of you as a Friend".... I second that thought.... But my emotions could not express it late last night.... ;)
      Love you later, Raelyn

      Delete
  3. Hi, Anna!!
    I was hip swaying/dancing/working out/cutting loose to Bruce Springsteen yesterday, when these song lyrics spoke to my heart and made me think of you, Friend.... ;)
    "Some say forget the past, and some say don't look back;
    But for every breath you take, you'll leave a track;
    And though it just don't seem fair for every smile that breaks;
    A tear must fall somewhere for the price you pay...."
    You're an artist.... You're a brilliant poet.... You will understand why these particular song lyrics spoke to my soul.... Right? ;)
    "....for every breath you take, you'll leave a track...."
    "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
    PS. I replied your comment on Love That Max with this very same--hopefully encouraging--message!! But I did not know where you would look first!! ;)

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  4. Hey Anna, I have something to say to you, friend.

    Don't give in to the depression
    Don't give in to the self loathing
    Don't be blinded by saying you won't be missed
    You will be missed, greatly
    By your family
    By your siblings if you have them
    By your pets
    By your teachers
    By your friends
    By the world
    You will have a place in heaven
    But not yet
    It's too early to leave
    You have your whole life ahead of you
    You will fall down and get hurt sometimes
    But you will also make incredible accomplishments
    You are smart
    You are funny
    You are unique
    You are talented
    You are amazing
    You are loved
    You are beautiful
    Don't give in...
    We would miss you too much to be put in words...

    For anyone considering ending their life, here's some encouragement to not give in to those feelings. Those feelings that you are experiencing are not true about who you are, you are beautiful and loved and amazing and depression can blind you from the truth. Talk to your parents or a teacher or therapist or anyone else you trust. DO NOT END YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Please, we are begging you, realize your beautiful and amazing and no other can compare to how awesome you are.
    Meredith,Jack + Co

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anna....
      I wholeheartedly agree with Meredith.S's beautifully expressed comment!! ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

      Delete

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