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The ESTP's INFJ Shadow

Image Description: The image reads "The ESTP and their INFJ shadow"
with "The ESTP and their" being in Perpetua and "INFJ Shadow" being
in Zapfino. "ESTP" is in dark scarlet (#EE2E25). "INFJ Shadow" has a white outline
and a black fill. The words the, and, and their are completely white. The image is on a
black background.

I've read about how INFJs experience an ESTP shadow, so I'm turning the tables and explaining how ESTPs experience their INFJ shadow.

The ESTP under normal circumstances is pragmatic, outspoken, and energetic. This is because the ESTP is operating using their dominant and auxiliary function (Se and Ti respectively) to do whatever ESTPs do. Carl Jung shed light on our shadow selves by understanding and explaining it through the interface of cognitive functions. Like all facets of ourselves, our shadow self should be acknowledged and understood like we try to understand our conscious selves.

The ESTP's shadow mirrors negative traits of the INFJ personality type. The INFJ type is often venerated as one of the most insightful and enigmatic types. However, a negative manifestation of the INFJ's intrinsic qualities that surfaces when an ESTP is tired, overwhelmed, depressed, or just not themselves is a force to be reckoned with. Especially due to the nature of the INFJ, ESTPs need to take extra care in managing their shadow selves.

ESTPs in their INFJ Shadow often Find Themselves

• Missing opportunities due to anticipatory anxiety and not wanting to be a waste of time
• Imagining worst case scenarios
• Questioning their moral compass
• Absorbing emotions from others and having no idea what to do with them
• Self-loathing
• Acting hypercritical of themselves
• Abstaining from things they normally enjoy in the absence of a desire for self-improvement
• Projecting negative futures for themselves
• Not wanting to pursue their passions
• Overtaken by uncharacteristic apathy and/or pessimism (TL;DR)

This grip experience leads to a reduction in self-care. In your INFJ shadow, you may start disregarding your physical health and your work and hobbies. This is known as a "grip" because you feel like you're being slowly strangled in a large fist.

To get out of the grip and get back to a healthy order of your functions, get out and do something totally Se-oriented. Take a walk, invite a friend over to have fun, buy some nice clothes, listen to music, and/or make and savor your favorite food. Use Ti to analyze a cool new theory or explain a concept.

Now matter how long or short you've been in your INFJ shadow, your Se and Ti will remind you that this grip is irrational and that you should get some sun and stimulation. Take the time to get to know your shadow self and acknowledge it as a part of who you are. ESTPs generally don't delve into the deepest depths of themselves, so take it as an opportunity to explore!


This is a mashup of Clarity and Wildfire by JubyPhonic. I think mirrors the struggle of an Ni grip (Clarity) and struggling to get back to healthy functions (Wildfire).

This song, Tokyo Teddy Bear (dubbed again by JubyPhonic), reflects inferior Ni and the ESTP.

Abstract Nonsense

I'll be rather blunt. I know I'll get a lot of hate for this, but feel free to hate me. It's not like you think anything else of me, right? It's better that I say this than let it weigh on my chest and kill me.

My grades are increasing. I'm about to celebrate my birthday with my friends...if I even have friends. I am arranging and want to compose something for flute ensemble. I got into my school's fine arts conservatory. I get to go to prom early (Joy Prom). However, none of those things can prevent me from ignoring the pain I hold inside like a rock. Nothing is ever good enough for me, so why should I try to live up to my own quixotic standards? Everything I do becomes a fantasy.

You see that girl over there? Sitting near me in class? The one with a great voice, great grades, and everything she could ever want? That girl is a monochrome puppet and a media monkey. The way she's living seems like plain out fraud to me. Keeping up an image that doesn't match what's inside? What a pitiful industry If she's supposedly so intelligent, why doesn't she notice how I feel? How is she able to memorize the parts of an anatomical heart, but be completely oblivious to what weighs on someone else's emotional heart?

I want to die. There's no fun anymore. I'm tired of it all. However, I don't have the guts or the means to follow through on my desire like all my other imagined futures. I've even drafted a suicide note for the Internet. You can go ahead and accuse me of seeking attention. I won't care. Go ahead and tell me it's "just a phase". It's not like I'm worth anyone's time anyway. People have come and gone out of my life like wisps of wind, apparitions, wraiths. I feel a vague wisp of a connection only to later disappoint myself with their build-a-friend factory lifestyle. But it's better than nothing, right?

But all I want to do is let out and cry. I have no one to bleed my pain onto. If I can follow my passion and do well in school at the same time, why do I feel so lonely?  Why do I feel like crying? Why do I feel like dying? It's a totally irrational desire considering my current circumstances. It doesn't make sense. I know other people feel this way, then why do I feel so isolated? I sound so pathetic as I type this. It's all just a bunch of abstract nonsense.

Song: Abstract Nonsense

Artist: Kagamine Rin (Dubbed by Shellah)

Language: English Dubbed from Japanese

Happy Birthday to MEEEEE!!!!!

Guess who's 16 today! I'm working on my arrangement of Seasonal Feathers and planning to cover it soon. Tell me in the comments if you want me to play as Rin, Len, or both.

Please enjoy this saxophone quartet arrangement of Find the Pieces.
The sheet music is available here.

"Wordless" Wednesday

Song: Abstract Nonsense

Artist: Kagamine Rin

Language: Japanese

You Are A Perfect Child

You are a very perfect, super perfect, really perfect child.
You must be the most perfect child in the world.

La, la, la, studying and exercising and speaking you do, no trying.
Intelligent and very flawless is just what you are.

I fell in love with easily with your forever seamless voice
That never stumbles over saying any kind of word.

Always managing to best your peers at their own talents
Cheering, courageous as a lion, listen
To all those cheers from everyone you've impressed.
Keep at all of the good work and never slow.

La la, a lullaby will help you sleep and
It will fuel your achievements.
Sing along. Sing with me. Sing this duet with me,
Infallible one, one.

You are a very perfect, super perfect, really perfect child.
You must be the most perfect child in the world.
You are a very perfect, super perfect, really perfect child.
Even without me around, you would be okay now.
You are a very perfect, super perfect, really perfect child.
So happy, so happy, good at everything.
You are a very perfect, super perfect, really perfect child.
I will be there to cheer you on at every turn.

La la la, god incarnate, flawless human
No truancies, the small blossom in the sidewalk crack.
Your lips form words with no effort
But I'm just saying "Gather 'round the perfect kid
And watch their spectacles."

And even so, much time has passed and you are still growing, growing.
Time and your mind will sustain enough to be alive.
Here. Go. I'll always want you to improve
But there's no need. Cute child, up there is where you belong.

La la, a lullaby's soaring just for us.
It's here to fuel my success lust.
So, let's go. Spin and twirl.
You and I can dance forever,
You inerrant child, child
Child, child

You are a very perfect, super perfect, really perfect child.
You must be the most perfect child in the world.
You are a bigger dreamer, high achiever, golden trophy child
Because you need no one to climb the greatest heights.

Over time, the child gained awareness of their flaws
And one day ran far away, away from my sight.
I found the child beaten, bruised, and still bleeding.
But still, I won't forget that the child left me.

Child, child.
Child, child?

I am a very perfect, really perfect, super perfect child.
It was my idolatry that made the child no more.
I am a very perfect, really perfect, super perfect child.
I hope I'll learn from my mistakes, but there's no one to help.
I am a bigger dreamer, high achiever, golden trophy child.
My quixotic standards for the child made them no more.
I am a bigger dreamer, high achiever, golden trophy child.
If only I could turn the clock back, reset, and start again.

I decided to rewrite the song "You are a Useless Child" by Kikuo to fit the darker side of how society views gifted kids.  Below is the original.

 

Song: You are a Useless Child

Artist: Kikuo

Language: Japanese

And Again, I've Come to See...

Song: Solitary Hide and Seek Envy

Dubbed By: JubyPhonic

Original Artist: Hatsune Miku 

Language: English

Deal with depression? No. Every day lonely, I'd rather play a game like a slow-running stream of honey I crave. I see how my peers seem to actively avoid me. When I sit down, they all move around me as if I don't exist. Was I unneeded? Was I just in the way too? Another 8/10 on my chemistry homework. I've been a very bad girl. The others have been very ignorant to my feelings. I've even cried in class and no one cared to notice. It couldn't be more fun to party and scream unburdened by ostracism.

Call me a phantom, never meant to be. Music is my comfort. I dream in color, but then wake up with black as raven hands alive. Dancing on without a clue, they are willfully ignorant to how I struggle. I say "willfully" because they know the signs of depression. No one even asked if I am okay. I hear the "I envy gifted kids" comments all too often. Often, people say that I am "bright." Well, I was chosen to burn inside. It, however, couldn't be more fun to whistle and sing to the tune of blissful ignorance.

The fine arts gala at my school is this week. It should be fun to scramble to beat of Mambo. Envying all I need, my stand partner continues dancing on without a clue. She's been a very blind* girl. I imagine doing fun things with my friends, the good old days when we played tag and hide and seek with no regard for each others' skills and abilities. We'd all be out of breath and smiling. But gone are the days where fun was fun. Now is the time where others prioritize who they want to be with. If I'm not someone people want to be around, I respect that. I'll just leave everyone to their own devices. I don't have much to offer anyway.

*I do not mean anything ableist by this. There are many different types of sight, the main types being physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual. The type of sight I refer to here is a blend of emotional and intellectual sight.

The Lost One's Weeping: An Activity

Well, can you read it? (Image Description: Kanji written in white chalk

 on a blackboard.)

Can you read the kanji on the blackboard? Well, can you? I don't care if you don't know Japanese or can't see the image. READ THE KANJI!!!!!!!! ISN'T IT OBVIOUS WHAT THE KANJI MEANS?!?!!!!!!!!! Go on and stare at the kanji for as long as it takes until you can understand it! I will stand right here and ridicule you until you can understand it. You're useless if you don't know how to read kanji. No one will ever love or want to be around someone who cannot read something as simple as the kanji on the blackboard. I am making a SIMPLE AND RATIONAL REQUEST for you to just READ THE KANJI!

What did you think of my request? Unreasonable? Impossible? Pointless? An easy A? Your worth is now based off of your ability to read kanji. Where do you measure on that scale? How would you feel if life was really like that?

 Song: Lost One's Weeping

Artist: Kagamine Rin

Language: Japanese 

(FYI, I only know the kanji for "child" and "heart".)

I'm On Tumblr!

Go here to see LaHaye blend memes, selfies, and random whatnot.

I Can't Do Anything Right

I've failed at everything that I do.
No compliment I've received is true.

In athletics, I trip and fall on my face.
Likewise, in school, I'm out of the race.

In science and math, I struggle and strive
Putting in more than I am to get by.

In language, the words don't come naturally
Mais mes camarades sont très magnifique.

For someone like me, failure's all that's in store.
Living, just living, is simply a chore.

I cannot ascend. I'll die if I fall.
I'm helplessly, helplessly, clinging to the wall.

ADHD and a Weird Stoichiometry-Ish Spoon Theory

Ah, the classic spoon theory! Though spoon theory mainly applies to chronic illness, it applies to a myriad of other areas as well.

Let's say I start the day on average with a nice round number of 10 spoons and my peers have 15. It's only a 5 spoon difference, right? No. That means I have 66% of the spoons of my peers. 66% out of 100% means that there is a missing 34% that my teachers, family, etc. demand from me that I don't have. "Spoons" are subjective units of sustained attention and energy. There is no standardized criteria for what a "spoon" is.

I wake up with ten spoons for a relatively easy day. French and band take one spoon each. That gets me down to seven spoons. Study hall takes another two spoons. That means I have five spoons left. If I have homework, that takes another four spoons to complete. I have 20% of my spoons (1 spoon) left at the end of the day.

However, I realized that I don't always have to give a full spoon to everything I do. One fork equals 1/2 of a spoon. I can give forks instead of spoons when my reserves run low, even when I can technically give a spoon. If I have 10 spoons on some given day, I have 20 forks. On my hard day, chemistry requires three spoons, resource requires two, algebra requires four, and English requires two. That's an eleven spoon demand, but I only have ten! No problem. I can give English three forks if chemistry demands three full spoons. The homework demands five spoons. Now, what? I don't want to be lazy, but I don't want to have negative energy either!

I can break down my energy further into deci-, centi-, milli-, etc. forks. Let's say I wake up and feel terrible. I have five spoons on this day. I also have all my hard classes on this day. I'll give three forks for chemistry, 2.5 deci-forks for resource, another 5.5 deci-forks for algebra, and yet another 2.5 deci-forks to English. I have used 40.5 deci-forks, which is 4.05 forks. I have used about 20% of my energy.

However, despite all these precautions, I can still have negative energy. In the negative energy state, I still expend spoons despite not having any. Some people have the "Kelvin system of spoons" in that they collapse (figuratively or literally) when they run out of spoons. I don't have that advantage. On a day where I have 10 spoons' worth of homework, I will get it done. I won't rest, eat, or sleep until the work is done. If I have one spoon left, I will exert 10 spoons until my negative spoon state catches up with me and I can't focus on anything.

I can wake up with two spoons one day and twenty spoons the next. I don't have a predictable recharge system. If I wake up the next day anticipating something fun like a concert, I'll have (no joke) around fifty-five spoons. However, if I can't anticipate something fun, that leaves me with about a tenth of my potential spoons. On days when I wake up with negative spoons, I will drag myself through and choose things that give me spoons over things that won't regardless of any consequences. I will, then, overgather spoons and end up not using any of them.

ADHD spoons are quite unpredictable. Does anyone have similar experiences?