Milestone Envy

I know you may have envied me
Just through what I've posted on this screen.
There's something I want you to know
About my many milestones.

I fall and hurt and sometimes cry
At things you might be asking "Why?".
Not all battles can be seen;
Some we fight internally.

The steps and take I words I say
Sometimes leave me lost, astray.
Some things I said I now regret,
Even thoughts I've not thought yet.

Those who are bright shine with appeal
To people who don't know how it feels
To perpetually burn inside
Despite every onlooker's pride.

You say that I do many things
And feel pain at wounds they bring,
But achievement only goes so far.
They never come without their scars.

I regret all the times I have
Been afraid and turned my back
On many opportunities
That benefits I'd surely reap.

Sometimes, I wish I'd have done more
Because life seems to have a score.
I don't know how how to win this game:
By money? Power? Status? Fame?

I guess it's all the same to you,
But milestones won't cure the blues.
Envy poisons, robs, deprives,
Souls of happy, healthy, lives.

So when you see a trophy's gleam,
Be careful, stop, and really think.
Awards are rarely what they seem
And even more rarely what they mean.

Take It

So you want to be gifted? Please, take it.
Take my talents.
Take the words that flow from my fingers.
Take my ability to acquire languages.
Take the nuances I notice in various words.
Take it.
Take it all.
Take my self-awareness,
The feeling that I'm not really that smart
And that I need to do more.
Take my anxiety
And the feelings I take on
From collectives.
Take my view of the human race
How we're nothing but selfish
With none but our own interests.
Take the feeling of wanting to do something
But having not the power or means to do anything.
Take everything.
Take it. You wanted it.
Because I don't anymore.

Classroom Bystander Translyrics

This is my first attempt at writing original translyrics. Concrit is welcome. Hate is not. Feel free to use them if you want to make a dub!

Lately, all the social rules have just changed.
Fitting in or blending? It's all the same.
But I can't keep up, so this ever-changing system leaves me all alone.
It's because I'm a hated "loner boy", so
Rapid fire glances translate to "Who cares?"

This, every day, such a lonely place.
It's so unfair.

Just so no one will bother with me,
Very quietly, I opened up my text
Which raised a question I bet no one asks:
Exactly what is the reason for which
I am still alive?

It came all too soon. Before I knew, I grew
Into the kind of person with all the excuses in the world:
The "adult" I hate, just an anhedonic robot, but then I knew
That I'm a coward and, because,
Since I don't even marginally like who I am,
I will
I will
Quietly stop my breathing.

And every time I hurt another person,
The same pain I feel shortly after
And when the pain proves to be too much, then I
Can't tell anyone because I'm too scared.
And the weakness that prevents my rescue,
I don't know how to shake this feeling.

And since I cannot get rid of it, I just drag it.
And that's how it works, It's the way the world works.
Look around and get the feeling
That someone's hating me, thinking lowly of me.
I wear earbuds to try and tune it out.
They will just ignore me if I just pretend I'm unaware?

Underneath the great blue sky and all its clarity,
In a collective so diverse, surely I'm the only one truly alone.
And what they say, that we all have each other, it's all just a lie.

I draw these straight lines trying, but
No matter what
I cannot draw them neatly and this irritates me.

I'm sure
I'm sure
That I'm the one at fault.

In this class, we just learn these things
Solely for the sake of learning them.
So useless.

It came all too soon. Before I knew, I grew
Into the kind of person with all the excuses in the world:
The "adult" I hate, just an anhedonic robot, but then I knew
That I'm a coward and, because,
Then someone asked.
You are like that too?
I think we'll be allies and fight side by side.
I'm sure.
I'm sure.
'Cause more
And more
And more
People worse than me than better off exist.

Below is the original. I do not own Kagamine Len or Neru.

 Song: Classroom Bystander

Artist: Kagamine Len

Language: Japanese

Why Was Passing for Normal Important?

"I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail."--Abraham Maslow

Lovaas's ABA ran under the logic that an external change in behavior imparted an internal change, which, in theory, could make the recipient less (reason they're going through it in the first place). This method became popular in treating autistic children in order to make them less autistic. Of course we all know that normality-oriented therapy is time-consuming,  expensive, exhausting, harmful, ineffective, and backed the toxic idea that you need to look and act a certain way in order to be worthy of your inalienable rights (life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness). Now those rights aren't so inalienable, are they?

My question is why normality was so important in the past. Is it because not much was known about autism and like disorders or because conformity is so deeply seated in the world's traditions that some people think it is the only way to deal with things? Why was it that appearing normal trumped the recipient's health? I have been to the blogs of several others who have gone through similar therapies to Lovaas ABA. Many of them cited depression, anxiety, and PTSD as a result of conformity therapy. Were these consequences not forseeable by practicioners and parents? Or were they so daunted by the idea of helping people love themselves and function to the fullest extent possible that they just decided to take the easy route with conformity therapy?

Since there is a Lovaas center close to me, I decided to go on their website and read Bryce's case. Bryce was disinterested in structured play and toys. What mystified me was why his parents didn't bother to find reasons for these things other than "Oh, he's autistic and needs to be fixed.". Structured play could have caused Bryce anxiety or another form of distress. The website cited that Bryce's "tantrums" were an issue throughout the therapy. Bryce was protesting in the way he knew how. Would you protest in the way you knew how if you were forced to be someone you're not? I definitely would. However, that's not what disturbs me the most.

The aftermath of the therapy is meant to be happy, but I interpreted it otherwise. On the website it says "he laughs at the little boy tantrumming on the screen when shown old footage of his first few days in treatment." What I got from that statement is that Bryce acquired trained arrogance due to being "cured" of his autism. I worry how Bryce will treat other people in the future, if he will grow into the same vapid, ignorant "adult" I hate. I worry that he will come to look down on others who do need an aide or who cannot/will not maintain a neurotypical image. The juxtaposition of the four year old melting down in a video and the second grader laughing at him makes for a troubling contrast.

My speculation is: What if that boy was not a projected image, but a living, breathing human being?  Would he have stood up for the child or laughed as he laughed at himself? I feel more troubled and reviled at where he is now rather than hopeful. How does a story like this induce feelings of hope in some, concern in few, and revulsion in others with little else in between? Life holds many questions and very few answers. I have no answer as to why conformity therapy even came into fruition or continues to exist, but its results leave me disgusted and confused rather than comforted and hopeful.

What do you think? Do you have other questions about conformity therapy? Do you agree or disagree with my points? Have I brought any new things to consider? 

Song: A Realistic Logical Ideologist
Artist:ゴボウメン (English Dub by JubyPhonic)
Language: English dubbed from Japanese

Song: Classroom Bystander
Artist: Kagamine Len
Language: Japanese

The Other Learning Styles: A Google Slides Presentation

Disclaimer and Notes:
This is based on only my experience and imagination. I don't have any science to prove anything. Note that this is also a bare-bones square one presentation of the other learning styles. If you wanted a technical, in-depth presentation, leave and find that. This presentation is also geared towards those who are familiar with the VAK model. If you need to go learn about the VAK model, go here. 

I'll Quit Singing Parody

Even singing this song with Kaito was high for me.  

I am done.
I am through.
I am just sick of it all.
I am sick of expectations
That all girls can sing C5. 

I am done.
I am through.
I am just sick of it all.
I am not a soprano.
I'm a tenor.
Knock it off!

Ever since the day I started to sing,
Soprano vocalists were popular.
But I never thought a day would come
When I would be one of them.

And that's another problem that I have,
People assuming that my singing's bad
Because most songs extend too high for me.
Do people know that my range starts
At B2, not C4?

And do people get that
There's other ranges too?
Even altos go unknown
In the hype of higher range.

And you know I won't strain
Just to sing beyond my range.
What am I going to have to do
To get all this through?
I'm telling you.

I am done.
I am through.
I can't take it anymore.
I am sick of people
Expecting things
That I was not made for.

I am done.
I am through.
I'm not singing high for you.
I am not a soprano.
I'm a tenor.
Knock it off!

I am done.
I am through.
I won't break my voice for you.
So stop thinking that 'cause I'm a girl
That I can sing high notes.

Why do I
Even need
Just to say this anyway?
This is life.

This is the song I parodied because, like Kaito, I am sick of singing high.

Song: I'll Quit Singing

Artist: Kaito Shion

Language: English

Do You Guys Think I'm an ESFJ?

Jungian Functions Test Results Te (Extroverted Thinking) |||||||||||||| 55% Ti (Introverted Thinking) |||||||||||||||||| 75% Ne (Extroverted Intuition) |||||||||||||||| 70% Ni (Introverted Intuition) |||||||||||| 45% Se (Extroverted Sensing) |||||||||||||||| 70% Si (Introverted Sensing) |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Fe (Extroverted Feeling) |||||||||||||||||||||| 100% Fi (Introverted Feeling) |||||||||| 40%

Take Free Jungian Functions Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

10 Vocaloid Songs Every Autism Parent Should Listen To

I'm still alive, so I guess I should try to make a difference with the little will to live I have left.

1. Lost One's Weeping

2. Tokyo Teddy Bear (specifically the JubyPhonic dub)

3. World Domination-How To

4. Seasonal Feathers

5. The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku

6. You are a Useless Child

7. Hitorinbo Envy

8. I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry

9. Rolling Girl

10. Okaasan

Try to figure out why I chose the songs I did.

Goodbye

I thought I'd get this one last statement out. Thank you for believing in me, even when I couldn't bring myself to do so. It's been a pleasure living, but not so much lately. I can't do anything right. For every one thing I do well, I utterly ruin ten things. Unfortunately, the things I do well at are not viable methods of success in life, nor are they strong or numerous enough that I can make them so.

I've decided that ending my life is the best thing I can do. I do not necessarily advocate this, but I weighed the options and this is the best, most viable choice for me. Don't mourn for me. Don't celebrate my "achievements". Don't continue my work and legacy and, thus, doom yourself to failure. Just forget about me and move on with your life as if I never existed. If you want to do something for me, meet me in Heaven.

This is not your fault. I would assume that you all have friends that would stick to you no matter what. I have no such people. People come in and go out of my life like the wind. They are all just monochrome puppets and media monkeys. The guise of good grades make them appear intelligent. They can read the balanced equations on the blackboard with ease, but they cannot see that their ignorance has killed me a thousand times over rounding to the nearest half.

Please do not blame autism or ADHD for this. There are many people with the same disorders who are useful, productive people unlike me. I'm tired of taking up space in people's lives and being an impedance to their progress. I can tell they're tired of me too. They leave me to listen as a bystander instead of inviting me to actively participate in their discussion. If they have enough of something for all but one, I'm the one left out. It's been clear that they want me out of their hair and I am honoring their request with the last bit of the decency I have left.

There's a lot I could have done. I could have made it through the rest of high school, went to college, and been a band teacher. However, I could have let my future students down time after time. I could have composed horrible pieces that no band would want to play. I could have ended up in a downhill spiral into hurting others and myself attempting to numb the pain that afflicts me. It's not worth the risk, I've decided. Do not mourn for me since I have no quality worthy of mourning. I've already given you guys enough grief.

So, with that, goodbye. For good. Forever.

Song: Tokyo Teddy Bear

Artist: Kagamine Rin (Dub by JubyPhonic)

Language: English Dubbed from Japanese

What do I Spy With Fully Open Eyes? On the Empathic ESTP

Do you ever feel a little less ESTP than other ESTPs, sometimes relating more to INFJs than other ESTPs? Do you ever feel empathy pangs like knife after knife to the heart? Are these emotions of other as real to you as the blue sky, the temperature of the air around you, and the shoes on your feet? If so, you may be an empathic ESTP!

I know it sounds like an oxymoron since it's usually the INFJs that are empaths. However, being an Se dom makes ESTPs likely to feel high levels of empathy simply due to the fact that they take in their surroundings to extents that other types do not. Empathic ESTPs are also likely to act on their urges by saying something to the person and analyzing why they feel the way they feel.

How do I know? I am an empathic ESTP. Despite the fact that us ESTPs tend to guard our hearts in flaming fortresses, stuff still gets inside. This is particularly true of empathic ESTPs. Soaking in emotions as sensory information can be very bewildering, especially since us ESTPs tend not to know what to do with emotions.

Being an empathic ESTP can be pretty cool. For one, it allows me to adjust to the natural rhythm of an individual or collective group in order to effectively promote stuff or provide them with what they need. Because I am empathic, I usually end up using my ESTP charm for the good of others rather than to exploit someone, create misleading information, or sell a dishonest product. Empathic ESTPs are good at telling what people need and providing accordingly, something empaths of other MBTIs may overlook.

However, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Empathic ESTPs absorb more emotions, but since the feeling function (Fe) is lower in our functional stack, we may not know what to do with them. It is common for empathic ESTPs to feel confused about their social-version. Too much emotion can be draining, but we're extroverts! This often leaves empathic ESTPs torn between choosing the stimulation we crave and the quietness we rarely, but do, require.

You may find yourself withdrawing from other people as a defense against the emotional onslaught that occurs, but secretly crave the companionship of others. ESTPs are ordinarily friendly and chatty, but their feeling function (Fe) is lower in the stack. Therefore, emotions tend to surface uncontrollably and at uncontrollable times when the ESTP is exposed to stress. These occurrences may leave you feeling embarrassed or confused. However, these things can be managed.

ESTPs are called promoters for a reason. Use your empathic ability to promote things you value. Make a difference. Take over the world. Empathic ESTPs have the ESTP's take-charge attitude and empath's emotional intuition. If you think you may be an empathic ESTP, comment below and tell me about your experiences!

Autism Month: As For the Things You Say to Me

Song: World Domination-How To
Artist: Kagamine Rin and Len (Dubbed by SirHamnet, new instrumental by Unknown)
Language: English dubbed from Japanese

It's easy to rattle off lists of statistics and symptoms to promote "awareness" and to share personal testimonies. "Easily digestible morsels of autism" I call them. While these are useful tools for basic information, I get sick of them rather easily. These bits and pieces don't tell you how to gather up the guts to find the compassion hidden inside of yourself. They tell me to lift my head even though there isn't any light.

The words I say, from day to day, they bear no weight no matter what I do. It's easy enough for me to post on what it's like, but I know other people are sick of it too. During this time, no one tells me how to take over the world or find fortune in love. All these resources about keeping an autistic child's grades up and no information about how to remove black stains from their hearts! The constant testing can impose a ton of pressure on a child to constantly perform well. No one ever told me when I was younger how to cope with the onslaught of demands. All I had was my confused self.

Song: Tokyo Teddy Bear
Artist: Kagamine Rin (Dubbing by JubyPhonic)
Language: English dubbed from Japanese

I have also never read anything about supporting the autistic person who starts blaming themselves for their family's hardships because they saw an awareness campaign that made them feel that way. A friend of mine told me that she was forced to act "normal" and conform to her peers instead of taught how to tell idiots and lies from genuine help. I don't want that to happen to anyone else.

Ends justify the seams. It's all the same to you. (Tokyo Teddy Bear, Dub by JubyPhonic)

My heart twists at the thought of someone sitting through an onslaught of orders that don't make sense while wanting to die and crying "Why can't I just be loved" to no one. Look at the video above. Really look. Empathize with the persona, whom I think is suffering from the aftermath of something  similar to Lovaas-style ABA, as she vents her confusion to the world about having to listen to idiots and lies. Why aren't therapies that aren't called ABA covered by insurance? Why was it not enough to be reasonably happy, healthy, and productive to the greatest possible extent? Why not, I don't know.

In the meantime, why don't we all sing about how we're useless? (I'll even provide romanji so you can sing along.)

 

Song: You are a Useless Child

Artist: Kikuo

Language: Japanese